Stormy weather

I'm sitting in the Oakland Airport, waiting on my delayed flight. Tears keep streaming down my face and I don't know why. Ok, that's not really true. It's because I'm frustrated, and angry, and confused, and I don't know how to process all the crap that I feel.

I came here to celebrate my best friend from high school making it through chemo with a lovely day at the spa. I got a chance to catch up with another friend from school and see her original musical performed at a children's theater in SF. My sister and I got to spend some quality time together, eating at a family favorite restaurant. I swam in an outdoor pool, and didn't freeze my ass off.

But that last phrase is part of the problem. Every moment of this trip was clouded by my thoughts about how unhappy I am with my body, my use of food as a coping mechanism, my inability to stop eating. The thoughts are non-stop, and overwhelming at times. Beating myself up about what I eat is routine. Promising myself that tomorrow will be the day I eat better is the proverbial broken record.

I feel powerless, a boat being battered around in a storm.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I meant for this place to be a spot to talk about the good and bad. I hope that there will be days I can write about the great stuff happening. But since this doesn't seem to be the norm, I want to end each post with a positive. A mini gratitude journal...

Some highs for 2/9:
- Enjoying dim sum lunch without too much negative chatter in my head.
- Managing to get myself into bed without eating anything (even though I desperately wanted to)