free food

as if food weren't hard enough, the free food thing at work causes me angst. There's always yummy looking stuff I can't eat which makes me angry 😠 and then I end up overeating stuff that I feel like its ok to eat (although probably not really). I want to break this cycle.of feeling like I am living in lack and then hoarding food. I'm kind of failing miserably at restraining myself when it comes to volume of food or type of food. Too much ice cream, too much cola... Too much bacon this morning. I dont know what it will take to break this cycle. Small steps? Compassion? It's certainly not the number on the scale (higher than I want) or my clothes fitting (tighter than I want). Things are getting tougher with family and hours are long at work. Food cant be my stress relief. It causes me stress. It is not freeing.

Stuffing my feelings down?

Another banner night of eating peanut butter and chocolate. Woo hoo! It's been a stressful weekend - not enough time, too much to do, ruminating on thoughts about what I'm going to say to the waterproofing guy about the unsatisfactory work they did, and weird conversations with my family. I've felt the anxiety rising, sometimes crying, sometimes not, trying to reach out to people but spending a lot of time in my head.


I told a friend that I guess I didn't know how to process my feelings because I'm still being lame and eating all the time. Usually at night after the day has wound down and I'm sitting in front of the computer or the TV. Naturally some of it is the stress of what's going on with my family, and now that stupid basement project that I thought I should put off but convinced myself to go ahead with... Sigh. I think it's also work... I don't want to go. It's hard and time consuming (12 hour days again) and I don't get much reward for it. But I must get something because I don't get out of it.


So now here I am after midnight feeling sick and annoyed with myself and wondering how sucky it's going to be to go back to HNL where things are tough with my dad and my mom, and the dynamic of me and my sister being together is challenging.


I hope the eating disorder clinic there calls me back. I need some help with this feelings crap.

Stressed

I got home tonight and realized my basement project is going to turn into a huge headache. So much for just putting stuff away. The way the concrete was laid means my washer/dryer and laundry tub probably can't go back where they were - the slant is too sever. The flooring in the gear room and supply closet were only half taken out so now the floor is uneven. The workers didn't totally clean up like they said they would. And they scuffed and gouged my hall walls so those have to get patched and painted. I want to cry but I can't muster up the energy. I'm exhausted from work, so much to do and feeling pressure to not say no. I wasn't able to work out yesterday and today's workout was only 30 minutes long when it was supposed to be an hour. I had a lovely tea with a friend after working out, but all that loveliness is now washed away with my mind racing about all the work I have to do in my basement to make it right. And I still have to fix the shingles in the back, the pipes leading to the bathroom, and get the sewer line fixed. How am I supposed to do all this stuff when I'm supposed to go back to Honolulu?


My dad sounds like he's not doing well, physically or mentally. He's so out of it when I call now and his tales of various physical woes and spiritual indignities make me sad and worried. My mom is so forgetful and ditzy that I wonder if she is helpful to him at all. My sister is in Maui at her swanky condo which is great, but she's also still not super well.


And then there's me.... eating stuff I shouldn't eat because it makes my body unhappy, eating too much because it makes me happy in the moment, not getting enough sleep, not getting enough exercise, and trying to please everyone. I feel like I'm heading for a nervous breakdown or the fat farm since I continue to flail at stopping my emotional eating. I pretend I'm eating ok and then get mad when I look at the scale or wear my clothes or feel shitty. I'm acting out like some horrible pre-teen who's been told "no" or has to do something they don't like doing. If my proclivities were towards drugs or alcohol I would probably be high or drunk all the time. Maybe I need to start taking meds, but I'm afraid of the ones the doctor gave me. The alprazolam helps, but not enough. I might take an ambien tonight to help me sleep but I worry I'm getting used to taking it again and I also worry I won't wake up in time for my 7:30 meeting. Ugh, a 7:30 meeting. And then meetings all day long and a team dinner at night so I won't get to work out again.


Other tiny stresses: I left my bathing suit at the pool Sunday and I'm afraid I won't get it back - it's brand new, too. My workout shorts and shirt didn't fit today - they used to be baggy. My lunch had tons of cilantro in it so it mad me add so I ate the chips that might have been cooked in corn oil and then proceeded to eat the trail mix with chocolate chips that probably have corn in them and then tonight ate the rice crispy dessert bar with PB and chocolate that no doubt had corn in it. See how much I suck right now? I just don't know how to channel my stress well enough. I guess I could sleep more. I should sleep more. So I guess I'll go do that now. Good night.


P.S. Why doesn't writing make me feel better?

Back on the treadmill

If only it were the treadmill at the gym... two days back in Redmond and I've already put in two 12 hour days. I've been trying to do everything. I've been multi-tasking. I'm beating myself for not being good enough. I'm eating like crap. I'm not sleeping enough. And it's really screwing with me.


If this isn't the life I want, why do I keep doing it?
Same with the eating.... if this isn't the body I want why do I keep eating.


I keep wondering why but I haven't figured out the answer yet. Can anyone tell me?  Thanks.

Melt down

I hate my body right now. I hate that I can't make myself stop eating. I hate my mom for being able to eat half a bowl of rice and stopping. I hate that she's so skinny and I'm so fat. I hate that my dad gets to eat whatever he wants because he's going to die soon. I hate that my clothes are too tight and that I can't wear things I used to be able to wear. The sad part is I know that if I don't eat, I'll lose weight. If I go back to my old diet I'll be thin and feel better. But I can't make it stop. I hate myself.

Death and whatnot

Lots of tough discussion with my family lately. My dad is being up front about how he's feeling and his desire to not be in pain or losing dignity due to his cancer. He doesn't really love his life right now and although he's not ready to be gone now, he's intimating that it won't be long before he is. Hard subject to discuss because I obviously don't want him to be gone, my mom can barely deal with it, and my sister went to the ER this weekend because she's distressed about it (and she's not even here yet).

My sister has also told me that she wants to die. She hates her life, it has no meaning, and when our dad is gone if her health problems don't get better, she's going too. I don't know how I can agree that my father has the right to die and not agree that my sister does too. She's been sick for so long, with no real path to recovery for her. My father has instilled in her that it's only going to get harder as we get older.

It's all very depressing but I'm doing my best to keep calm in the face of all of this. But of course it makes me eat. I do ok during the day but nighttime comes and it's a free for all. I've had some success with limiting what I eat the last few days but not tonight. I was already frustrated that I frittered away my chance to work out by working too late. I thought I might go after dinner but that didn't happen because of prolonged conversation with my parents and a phone call from my sister. Then I felt like I needed to work more. I succumbed into dessert (PB banana smoothie), then mango strips because I was tired, and now chips because... I have no idea why really. Upset? Frustrated? Sad? Yeah, probably all of the above.

I called the ED clinic here in Hawaii, but no answer. My dad is inviting the social worker/therapist from the hospice to come talk to the family, but I'm thinking that won't help my eating stuff. My mom got a referral to some psychologists I could check out but it sounds like I'd need a referral and I don't have one.

I'm trying to be compassionate with myself, but really I'm just frustrated. I want to stop this madness that's making me unhappy. I'm worried this will get even worse once my dad dies, if my sister dies. I just can't stand being pudgy, much less fat. It won't make me want to kill myself, but it makes me feel less like I'm living the life I should be living.

I know the answer lies within, but I'm resisting the truth, the need to change, the reality that's only too obvious with others but not myself.

1:00, time for bed. I hope I can sleep tonight with all these thought running through my head.

Disappointed

I'm letting eating control me
I'm letting others control me
I'm letting others anger/frustrate/irritate me

I need to sleep more
Worry less
Not obsess so much
Be nicer

I'm tired
lonely
depressed, melancholy

I want to be thin
And successful
And a patient, kind person
Who can control my feelings
And what I put in my mouth

But I'm not that right now
So I'm disappointed in myself

Big time.

I am super angry right now

Just lost another apartment. This one was a good solution but my sister wants to keep weighing options, looking, looking and I don't want to commit to anything without her ok. So, I don't want to look anymore until she is here in person and can look with me. And then she can do all the looking she wants while I'm not here.

It kills me that these things affect me so much. I'm crying right now because I'm so frustrated and angry and upset. I wanted this to be all sorted out, I want to have a place to stay that's not always in flux. I don't want to have to constantly move But I want to spend time with my dad while he's still sort of ok. Even though it doesn't feel like I'm really spending that much time with him right now it's better than just phone calls.

I just wish we could get the apartment shit sorted out and get on with this.

Having angst

Big binge last night, totally prompted by... nothing? Wasn't really anxious, although maybe it's all the shit lying underneath. Plus I didn't follow my rule about taking Ambien. I took it before I was in bed, and all hell broke loose. As a result I weigh a pound more today than I did yesterday. Sigh. But Oddly, I didn't totally beat myself up about it. It was what it was. I ate a normal breakfast and lunch.

But NOW I'm having angst.

What should I do about an apartment? Still kicking myself about losing the place here because it was so PERFECT and I'm looking every day (even though I don't really want to, I should be working). Some places seem ok, but I don't want to make the decision considering what happened last time. But my sister isn't coming until next week and my dad has made some ominous remarks about needing family time to discuss "what's next" and so I'm not really interested in signing a 6 month least ANYWHERE. I worry about living with my sister and whether she is going to bail on me. OR complain all the time. Or hog up my time while I need to work.

I'm not training like I should for Bay to Breakers. I'm unmotivated to go long distance right now. Maybe I will try tonight. I enjoyed my swim last night but felt so slow. I remind myself that I"m there to enjoy the water as well as exercise, and I do that but the voice in my head just keeps telling me I should be going faster.

Work is slow going and I'm worried about being forgotten. I'm getting less focused as the week goes on. Maybe because my tiredness is increasing. Maybe I'm juggling too much other stuff (e.g., looking at apts).

I can feel the anxiety in my body in the form of chemical feelings, shortness of breath, etc. Fatigue and sadness too.

All of this is hard. I just hope I'm not making it harder than it should be by being a screw up, obsessive/compulsive, emotionally stunted.