My mom frustrates me

I know my mom can't help it... she's not responsible for her dementia, but it's making me crazy. Her forgetfulness, her inability to articulate, her slow speech, her decline in memory... she can't use the TV remote anymore, forgets where she's put her stuff and gets obstinate and angry when you tell her stuff. I'm sure it's really hard for her, but she won't even admit it's happening.

I also get frustrated by her eating and cooking. She insists on using so much salt and having meat at every meal. She has to mention every time she's using tamari or arrowroot powder or "non-gluten" options for pasta or bread. It makes me feel like a freak. She buys food for me but doesn't look at the labels so half the time I can't eat it. (well, don't want to eat it.) She complains if I want to buy organic meat or produce because it's more expensive than regular. Then she cooks as if there are 8 people living here so there's always too much food. And then she hardly eats anything. She's skin and bones and veins. It's gross to look at and makes me feel like a giant pig. I hate listening to her eat and smack her food (why do old people do that?) And it drives me crazy when she talks with her mouth full (again why do old people do that?). Tonight it gave me so much angst to be in the kitchen while she was eating cheese and crackers that I had to leave. And it stressed me out so much that I started eating. Lame excuse, I know. But it's true. I could feel all the chemicals coursing through my body. It was awful. At this rate, I'm going to be a balloon by the time my birthday rolls around in two weeks. I had wanted to lose weight but now I'm gaining. Sadness.

I know I need to practice patience and compassion but I've been so on edge since I've gotten here that it's really, really hard. No matter what I write, who I call, who I text, it's just not helping me and I end up in a pile of food every night.

I'm glad my mom still loves me enough to cook for me, and I hope I can start letting go of my anxiety around her and food.

so depressed

another morning of waking feeling like I'm falling in a hole. Bad binge last night, realities hitting me like a ton of bricks, the voices in my head telling me what a loser I am. I've had a headache since Friday and its still not gone. My mind and body are angry at me. I want to go back to bed but my insane needs to weigh myself and go workout I overriding that. I hope yoga makes me feel better. I hope I can practice letting go of this negative mindset. And I hope I can conjure the will to be kinder to myself, including not eating the whole house every night. So sad that my life is like this. I should be happy that I get to work from Hawaii but since I fucked up the apartment thing, I'm not. I should be happy that I'm away from the fray at work, but it just makes me feel isolated and expendable. I should be happy I get to Han out with my parents but I don't fee as useful to them now that I'm working. I should just be happier and I'm not, as evidenced by the voices and the food issues. I am afraid to use the mood stabilizer but this sucks too. I want to be able to do this by myself. But maybe I cant. Maybe I need help. I just wish the universe would help me. I dont understand why I cant find a place to live.... Why I eat so much... Why I'm so depressed right now.

the loahting

I'm so angry at myself right now. Loathe myself. I make bad decisions, I can't stop eating, I'm a flake.

Bad decisions:
I'm super mad that because I didn't get to HNL soon enough to get the apartment I wanted in my parents' building. The guy had no applicants when I talked to him a week ago. If I'd come when I was supposed to, I would've probably gotten the place. But then there were three people wanting the apartment on Thursday when I went to go look at it. Then Friday he rented it to someone he know who that morning said he was looking for a place. ARGH. I'm so pissed at myself for not making this a priority, for taking the lazy path and not making myself come to HNL. I could've put off the stupid waterproofing contractors, put off the water heater replacement, forgone a little sleep. But no, I didn't, and now I have no place to live, nor does my sister. This place would've been perfect too: 3 BD so I could've had an office... diamond head side of the building but on the quieter corner.... parking places near my parents'... partially furnished. Now I'm back to the drawing board, looking at massively expensive unfurnished places, or creepy furnished places. And I desperately want to live in this building so it's easy to hang out with my parents' but still have my own space. I'm so lame.

Can't stop eating:
None of my clothes fit, even my former "fat clothes". Fat is hanging over my bra straps, my pants don't slide easily over my hips, and I can see the huge roll of flab on my back and stomach. I have not muscle tone. But all I do is eat, and eat, and eat. And I get angry because my parents can eat anything they want... cookies, ice cream, chips. I just want to stuff myself with food because I'm unhappy, off kilter, pissed at myself. I find myself revolting and the refrain "You're fat" goes through my head ALL.THE.TIME. I can't even bring myself to counter arguing anymore. I'm so gross and flabby.

Flake:
I keep dropping the ball at work. I'm not working as many hours as I should. I'm not doing anything cool with my time here in HNL. I'm just holing myself up in the guest bedroom. I didn't help my mom make dinner. I just suck.

Ok, off to eat a bunch of crap now. I'm so lame I don't even try to stop myself anymore. :(

I suck

That's the refrain that has been going through my head constantly, 18x7 (I'm subtracting 6 hours for sleeping). I suck at work, at eating, at training, at life. I think the voices are loudest about work:
- I'm terrible at comms
- Everyone does more than I do
- I'm not smart about the business
- I don't have the drive I need to succeed
- I'm a fraud

The refrain runs through my head over and over and over again. The overwhelming feelings of inadequacy I have about myself when it comes to my job probably keep me from focusing on actually working. I hate feeling like this about my work, and while I've always had the "I'm not good enough" thoughts about my job, it's particularly bad with this role. I think everyone thinks I suck. I think I suck.

And then there's the eating/training/body stuff. I'm feel like a loser that I can't change my eating habits. Once again last night I went from a semi decent eating day/evening to hoovering half the kitchen. I'm sure it's stress (unconscious or conscious) and feeling totally off kilter right now in life. The apartment we wanted is probably going to fall through (and I beat myself up about not getting my shit together so I could have come earlier so I could've looked at the apartment so we would've been the only applicants...), I'm feeling uncomfortable about working from my parents' condo, and my sister is constantly giving her opinions about what we should do and spinning up lots of options that always seem to go nowhere. I'm tired and when I'm tired I eat. The voices tell me to go to bed while they are also telling me to eat. And then they just tell me I suck. As usual.

I'm no longer an athlete. I'm just a doughy girl who looks like a dork when she runs, doesn't swim very fast, and has the drive to push herself but not the talent to achieve greatness. I saw a bunch of triathletes running yesterday and thought to myself "I used to look like them and now I don't, I'm sad." Sad in the loser way and sad in the emotional way.

The "I suck" voice chimes in whenever I don't fit into yet another piece of clothing that used to hang off of me. Or when I look at myself in the mirror. Before I thought I looked ok, now I can see the layer of fat just hovering over me. And then I just want to eat. It's insanity, I know.

I stopped taking the new meds and am trying to not take sleeping or anxiety meds but then the food chemicals feel like the only way to quiet my mind. I know I need to working on breathing and journaling and meditating but I kinda suck at all that. <--- See, it's just what I say about myself.

I hate the world of flux and change I'm living in. I'm trying to embrace "going with the flow" but then I seem to just make dumb decisions. Or give up when I should be pushing harder. I don't often want to crawl back into bed and sleep to shut out the world, but waking up anxious every morning is hard to deal with. A nice latte takes the edge off but then the "I suck because I'm drinking calories and caffeine voice" chimes in.

I'm trying to tell the voice to shut up, or I'll turn the voice around to a positive statement but it often feels hollow, forced. But maybe it will help in the long run. I hope so, it's hard to feel this rotten about myself during such a tumultuous time in my life.

No spring in my step

I've been dealing with morning depression big time the last week or so. I don't know if it's the new medication I've been taking, feeling overwhelmed by my life, or what. My eating has been pretty bad, but my happiness was buoyed by seeing my weight go under 125. I wish it would stay there or keep going down. But it won't if I keep binge eating whenever I get anxious. And everything makes me anxious right now: dealing with my house, being back at work, feeling dumb all the time at work, feeling helpless to help my family, and not know what the future will bring.

I'm too attached the outcome. How much I weigh, what people think of me at work, spending time my parents vs feeling like I should be at home, being there for my sister, trying to carve out a life for myself, what my boss thinks of me, how I'm perceived as "coping" or not. It's all welling up right now and I'm crying in my office. It makes me sad and  bit demoralized that I'm not stronger.

I keep eating to stuff my feelings down. I guess I just don't know how to process them. I don't know how to sit with them and not let them swallow me up.

I have this fantasy that my situation will make me a more focused worker, but I feel like I'm not smart enough to focus on the right things. I wish I could take this situation and make it a revolution for my life, but I'm guess I'm just not strong enough to do that. I feel like such a failure on so many levels right now. Fat, stupid, lazy, too dumb for this job, too selfish, too impatient. I can't even restrain myself from eating when I know it's what makes me fat which makes me unhappy which makes me crabby which makes me short tempered with my family and unable to focus at work. I just kinda hate myself right now. I feel like everything I do is wrong.

Everything is just making me sad right now and I feel defeated.

The voices

I haven't written in a while. Not that I haven't needed to, I just don't seem to have time. It's hard to find time at work, it's hard to do it when I'm at my sister's and I just do other things when I'm at home. But the voices are really loud right now: I'm fat, undisciplined, I suck at my job, a fraud, I'm not doing enough for my dad, my sister, myself, I'm a loser because I can't juggle everything and because I can't stop eating. It's frustrating, and every time I "fail" the voices just get louder.  Whenever I think, "I'm fat" I try to counter with "I'm fit" but it doesn't ring true. When I think "I hate my body" I think "I love my body for what it lets me do" but that's not entirely true. When I think "I suck" I try to replace that with "I'm doing the best I can" but that doesn't feel good enough.


Still giving myself a hard time about eating too much vs cutting down my portion sizes, eat the wrong things, and not exercising more. I'm bloated from eating too much salt and take out. I want to get back to healthier eating, I want to train harder, I want to cut myself some slack, I want to be proud of myself. But when I feel my clothes getting tighter, and my heart sinking back into my chest, I just haven't been able to be that positive.


I'll keep trying. The voices need to go away.

Frustration with Franle

Bad week of binge behaviors. Cyclical last supper eating. Having "just a little more..." Fooling myself into thinking I'm cutting back on food when I'm really not. Eating things I don't really want because I don't want them to go to waste.


I'm so frustrated with myself, that I can't stop, that I can't change. I won't even take the tiny steps I need to take to stop... doing something, anything else before I dive into the food.


I hate the way I feel in my clothes and that makes me eat. ARGH. I AM SO ILLOGICAL.


I know it's got something to do with my family, my work, my life. I'm stressed out about being here, but I don't really want to go back to HNL now either. I dread going to my job and today's first day back made me want to run away - I'm so worried the work is going to pile up and crush me. I worry about my sister, my father, my mother, my brother in law, the cat. I worry about myself.... a lot. When will this bad behavior stop? When will I be normal again?


I am pissed at myself that I can't change. I crave routine and normalcy even though I don't really like it. I want to wear my skull boots tomorrow but know I have to project a better image than that. I am dreading putting clothes on in the morning because they will squeeze me. I worry that people think I look fat. I canceled dinner with my ex's brother because I didn't want him to tell Rod I've gained weight. I hate that I feel sick after eating too much, that I roam the kitchen looking for more food to eat, that I'm never satisfied with food. I hate myself every time I say, "Not again" but do it anyway.  But I can't change the lame eating. Perhaps I really am addicted to food, or at least have to abstain from certain foods for a while. But I don't want people telling me what I can or can't do, dammit.


I pounded my body into the ground with a run at the gym tonight. It was actually slow, but I felt tired. My Achilles ached, my foot hurt. I worried I was lowering my immune system and I'd finally catch what's going around. But I kept going. It was only 30 minutes but it was indicative of my abnormal behavior. If I didn't binge, I wouldn't feel the need to exercise every day. If I didn't exercise every day, my body might have a chance to heal. If my body healed, I could train more. If I could train more, I could lose weight. Sad.


I'm also treading back into sleep deprivation already. And subverting my needs to the needs of others. And work is already making me a less nice person. I had my usual "I have to go home!" moment with my sister last night which was mostly about work (and also about wanting to get ice cream at Molly Moon's but instead I ate the ice cream I bought "because it was on sale", and ate way too much of it).


I'm sick of myself, but refuse to get more help and yet don't know what my path forward is. I don't want to end up fat. I want to be thin again. I want to be better than the average person: fitter, more attractive, more successful. But I feel like a loser right now. A big fat loser. :(

Minding my habits and mindlessness

Tonight I wasn't really stressed out (other than getting home late) and yet I grazed my way into the wee hours. I wanted a little dessert after coming home from my sister's house (she had me make her an ice cream soda...) so I had some chocolate I bought in Hawaii, with some peanut butter added. I wanted to "get rid of the remnants" of the PB in the jar, but then when it was gone but the chocolate wasn't, then I went in for the 2nd jar of peanut butter, and then the trio of coconut peanut butters. Even though there wasn't any chocolate left. And then I thought the chocolate coconut peanut butter would taste good with a sunbutter bar, which it did. I debated having some toast but decided enough was enough.


I don't know why I can't practice any of the strategies I have written down or taken note of for not mindlessly eating or grazing:  (1) go straight to bed, (2) write, (3) sit and think about what feelings I'm trying to avoid, (4) reading, (5) looking at the list of things I could do instead of eating. It's so stupid. I'm not stupid, I'm smart, so I don't know why I keep doing all this ridiculous crap. Especially when I was on a good trajectory: lost a little weight, good run today, productive on my To Do list, taking time for myself, etc.


Maybe it's the guilt (eating things I'm not supposed to like the GF cinnamon roll that still has butter and eggs in it), maybe it's feeling like I exercised a lot today so I "deserved" some extra treats, maybe it's subconscious stress about going back to work next week or returning to HNL now that I'm having second thoughts. Maybe it's just having to teach myself to really knuckle down and practice new habits. Or, horribly, maybe it's that I have to give up certain foods - abstain from them like alcohol - so that I don't hook into the addictive foods my body craves.


It's all the small deviations that add up to big misses and I need to be more mindful of when I'm fooling myself into thinking what I'm doing is ok. That eating without thinking about WHY I'm doing it is ok. Or that eating when I'm not really hungry is ok. I need to call myself on my bullshit and start practicing what I preach - I need to take little steps to make bigger progress. And some of those little steps include trying some other behaviors.


So what do I need to watch out for:


- Eating things to "get rid of them"
- Eating when I should be going to bed instead (sleeping or napping if I'm tired)
- Eating while I watch TV or sit in front of the PC at night
- Eating things I don't really want to clean out the fridge
- Eating just because other people are eating
- Eating food that I don't really enjoy - just put the fork down already!
- Eating as a reward for exercising (this is a huge one for me)
- Eating as a reward for doing something (getting up early)
- Eating things I should just throw away but can't because I feel like I'm throwing money away


What I'd like to start doing:
- More meditation
- More exploration of why I'm eating
- Using the HALT technique or something else to make me STOP the compulsive behavior
- Eat food I really enjoy
- Thinking for a few minutes before stuffing my face
- Trying some of the coping mechanisms recommended
- Going to bed! I think this would make a huge difference.


It's hard to spend so much time thinking about food, being mindful all the time of what I'm eating or should be eating or feel like I shouldn't be eating. But I need to be mindful of my current behaviors and start using my mind to change those to more appropriate ones that will support my body, mind and soul in the present and in the future.


Ok, off to bed now. I guess I won't be eating breakfast tomorrow since I'll probably still be full from all the crap I ate tonight! :p