Horrible night

Freak out because I'm too fat to fit into any of my clothes.
Behaved badly with my friends because I was angry.
Ate too much at a friend's house because I was overly hungry.
Probably ate gluten by mistake.
Itching everywhere and I don't know why.
Despite berating myself for being so chunky, I dove into the peanut butter and chocolate when I got home.
Now it's late and I'm not going to get enough sleep before I have to get up to meet a contractor.
I just want to stay in bed all day tomorrow.
Maybe I will...

Hater

Yep, it's official. I hate myself right now.

The night is dark

nighttime is when I fall in the hole. sometimes I eat because I'm frustrated with my day. sometimes I eat because I don't want to go to bed. sometimes I eat because I like the feeling of the fullness, the taste of food, the warmth, the coolness, the crunchiness, the smoothness. I guess I just like to eat.


but I hate the way I look, the way I feel, the lack of discipline I have.


I wish I could go back to being super thin, super controlled. I wish I could be happier with myself no matter what.


 

There's a problem

When I don't want to exercise, I know something is really wrong with me. Something is really wrong.


Things have been going downhill, and I've been having angst about having to see myself in workout clothes, but I still wanted to work out. That's gone now. I don't want to go to barre class, I don't want to pack workout clothes for my trip. I just want to stay in bed.


Maybe it's my sister announcing Mike asked her to move out.
Maybe it's my dad saying he thinks this will be his last Christmas.
Maybe it's being disappointed with my friends.
With myself.


But all I know is I just have no energy.
And all I do is eat to medicate myself.


Over the last week and weekend I got a ton done - a bunch of repainting (contractors, not me), new curtains, organizing so I could live in my house without feeling unsettled. I saw friends, I saw family, I ate food I enjoyed. But then each night I came home and ate more. Why? Why??


Work is tough this week. I didn't work this weekend so I had to work 14 hours today. I still think I stink at this job. Tomorrow's going to be hard and going to the conference in Florida is going to stress me out.


I can feel my skin expanding as I get heavier and fatter. My clothes don't fit, I can feel the rolls getting poly-er. Logically I should just stop eating but I feel like I can't. I know I should keep exercising but I don't want to. I just want to sleep and forget my problems. But I can't.


Ok, off to bed. I hope I can make myself get out of bed, I hope I can workout without loathing myself. I hope I can be productive at work. And I hope I make it through this next week without having a meltdown. Or getting sick. Or flipping out on anyone. Or without eating so much that I continue to perpetuate this awful cycle.

How I'm doing with the tools...

A Plan of Eating - I have food plan which I try to stick to, but usually go off the rails at night.

Sponsorship - I have a sponsor. I'm looking forward to working with her more, but first I have to finish a book she wants me to read and it's slow going.

Meetings - I go once a week, sometimes twice. Honestly, more than that doesn't seem to be a good use of my time.

Telephone - I need to do more of this. Unfortunately, my bad moments are at night and I don't feel comfortable calling people after 9:00.

Writing - Trying to do more of this. But maybe it needs to be more directed somehow? It just feels like me complaining about how I hate my ED and my fatness.

Literature - The book I'm reading now is tedious. I hope other "literature" is better, although this may be a tool that I don't use as much.

Action Plan - I guess I should read what this tool is!

Anonymity - Yes, I'm respecting this.

Service  - I keep thinking I should offer to help close down the meeting - maybe next time?

Yep, I suck

Can't stop myself...
eating
hating people who are thinner than me
buying clothes
doing too much
working too little on the weekends to catch up
being annoyed by all the food crap I see posted to FB
thinking about food
making dumb decisions
not speaking up
not being true to myself
falling in the hole

Agita

I had massive stress this morning for no particular reason. At least not a big reason "point in time" reason.

I'm stressed because) I feel massively unprepared for my job every day, because I'm not leading my career (just reacting to it), and I don't really love what I do. I love the idea of it, but in practice I'm not loving every day. I don't love work in general, I guess. I wish I were more passionate about it.

I also have stress because I made a list of "Abstinence" items (no: nuts, coffee, corn, grazing, bingeing or eating due to work stress or being tired) and I wonder if I'll be able to do this for the next two weeks, especially as I'm traveling to Florida next week and will be tired.

Speaking of tired, I really need to prioritize sleep. I'm exhausted this morning and with the "no coffee" rule, I'm dragging. I think the lack of sleep is causing my weight gain: higher cortisol = belly fat, being tired makes me eat to stay awake, exhaustion makes me less clear headed and more likely to binge.

I keep saying I'm going to do this job the way I want to live my life, and I need to start doing that now.

Musings after Moscato

I went out to a friend's birthday gathering tonight, and I found myself in the space I often find myself in - having angst about food, eating to much, and then continuing to eat when I get home. I don't know what stresses me out about this  - wait, yes, I do... I don't like having to think about everything I'm eating or asking what's in it all or feeling like I can't eat exactly what I want. I also know I have to be careful not to drink too much because I'm a lightweight and things can get out of control.


Speaking of out of control, today was not a good food day:  too much coffee, flailed on my decision to not eat nuts for two weeks (almond milk, almonds in macaroon), bought food I didn't need,  ate a Cinnabon (calories AND will provoke food sensitivities - although it actually made me feel better right after eating it), didn't stick to a good meal plan, ate compulsively at the tapas bar, had a few bowls of cereal and a piece of toast when I got home even though I wasn't hungry, ate because I was tired, etc, etc.


I'm triggered by my skinny friends (who I used to be skinnier than), my protruding belly, looking fat in photos, and on and on.


I want to just stay in bed tomorrow but I won't.


But I do think I need more sleep. 4.5 hrs a night doesn't cut it when you don't want cortisol flooding through your body and when you need to make better decisions about food.

i hate fat

I just put on my workout clothes to go to yoga and my pudge is sticking out, rolling over the waist and, and making me feel uncomfortable. I hate being squeezed, feeling my fat. I hate wearing things that used to fit, used to be loose. It upsets me.


I had a funny experience this morning volunteering...i was cold so I put the volunteer shirt over my light down jacket. It made me look fat and I didn't like the idea that people thought that I was fat. I want to be thin again. But I still want to eat way to often and way too much.

Fear

Why am I afraid to quit this job? What great do I have that keeps me on this role, at Microsoft, in Seattle? Fear of being wrong? Fear that this is as good as it will get? Fear that people won't like me or respect my decision? I fear that I won't be any good at another job, at surviving in a new city, learning a new company or job. I fear that new people won't like me. I don't know why I don't believe in myself more. I'm afraid all the time and that keep me from moving forward. The food comforts me, it makes me feel safe and warm and loved. Word then that I hate myself so much for eating and for not being able to change.


Fear of failure and people not liking me is a double whammy.