So what if I ate that?

I tried to do an "Alpha Reset" which is 5 days of juice only pretty much. 24 hours in and I felt gross. Stomach hurt, acid reflux, gurgly guts. Then I read on the purveyors page some missive about all the foods people with hypothyroidism aren't supposed to eat - most of which are in the juice I'm drinking. It made me cry, question how I'm eating, be angry at my body, and wonder what's the point of all of this if I can eat so few things - I seriously question why bother living.


At the same time, my ED is telling me how fat I am, how weak I am, how lame I am because I can't diet, I can't cleanse, I can't even stop eating the things I'm not supposed to eat.


I steeled myself to endure another 3 days of this, and then my B-I-L asked me to go out for Mexican food, and I thought "screw this" and went. Spending time with my sister and her husband made me happy. Eating real food made me happy (except for a little while when I kept picking at the dish when I should have stopped). Not listening to the voices in my heading telling me so many horrible things about myself made me happy. I came home and had "ice cream".  And that made me happy. I was tempted to eat more, but I didn't and that made me happy.


I have to realize that dieting is not for me, that being happy is what keeps me from being a horrific compulsive eater. And that over time, I'll end up losing weight if I want to.


Until then, I'm not going to listen to people on the internet, on FB, in my life that tell me I'm bad for eating this, that or the other thing. ED already does that, and someday I'll get it to shut up too.