1. I'm very envious of skinny people. I'm jealous of my friends who are thinner than I am and who have the willpower to eat salads and not eat emotionally. I'm trying hard to not compare, not be envious, not resent them, but it's really challenging. I used to always be the thinnest of my friends, now I feel like I'm often the chunkiest. I'm also jealous of people I don't know who are thin and fit. I find myself staring at them and thinking "I used to look like that, I wish they knew that". The word "hate" comes into my mind often when I have these green-eyed monster thoughts.
2. A few of my friends have seen me or photos of me in bathing suits lately and they say, "Oh you look healthy now" or "You look normal again". I absolutely HATE being told this. I don't want to be normal. Normal Americans are fat. I used to look like an athlete, why would I want to look normal? And how can I be healthy when my head is so messed up?? Healthy and normal are just code words for "you have fat on your body."
3. It irritates the crap out of me that while I weigh sort of what I "used to" weigh, I can see the fat deposits on my stomach, thighs and hips. It's disgusting. I feel like a big solid blob of fat around my middle. I see myself in the mirror at barre, and I look thick. I see myself running in windows and I can see all the fat just stuck to my body and I don't look like an athlete anymore, I look like a chunky girl who can't run. At least when I was thin, I gave the illusion of being an athlete. Now I feel like I have a boat anchor tied around my waist, physically.
4. I keep promising myself I'll go on a diet and then I always find some lame reason to not do it. No wonder I feel like such a failure. My other friends can stick to diets/cleanses/reboots... why can't I? I just keep backsliding... oh, I'll just have a little snack at the movies and no dinner, oh I'll just have some salad when I get home, oh I'll just have roll with that salad, oh I'll just have a little ice cream and a piece of that waffle cone I made, oh I'll just have the whole waffle cone and maybe I'll jam ice cream into it. Oh, I can't start my juice diet tomorrow because I have lunch plans, Oh I'll just wait until I'm done with my leftovers, Oh I'll just have one meal a day, Oh I'll just start again tomorrow after I've used up all the strawberries I bought.
5. All I think about is food. It sucks.
6. I posted a photo of myself in a bikini on FB. I'm sure people think it's because I'm proud of my body. It's really because I hate my body but I'm trying not to let that keep me from doing things... post photos, workout, wear clothes that aren't baggy. But it gives me immense angst and sadness to see that photo of myself, especially when I also have photos of me 5, 10 lbs lighter that I liked my body way better.
7. I saw a movie tonight where all three girls/women in it looked like I used to look. Two of them looked anorexic. I wanted to call out the director on that (it was a SIFF flick so he was there) but I didn't because it would just sound like sour grapes. But I didn't enjoy watching the movie as much as I should have because I kept being annoyed by ED thought about how I should stop eating so I can lose weight. Only I can't because I have no willpower. :(
8. Food is my drug and I feel like a totally addict. Sometimes I want to get away from people just so I can eat, I want them to get the fuck out of my house so I can eat, I can't control my urge to eat and I just start eating when I walk in the door. It's so awful that my head gets consumed that way, that my body is signaling me to do that. And then when I do eat, I just want to eat more and more and more. Even when I feel sick.
9. I did no work this weekend, and I'm sure that will bite me in the ass this week. :( I'm tired and I want to skip work tomorrow but I won't because I'm a "good girl" and don't want to be a fuck up. But I always do fuck up somehow and either my boss reminds me what I should have done better or I tell myself I should have done better.
10. When did I turn into such a freak? I hate having ED, especially the one I have right now. I want to go back to being an orthorexic. At least I was thin and my physical health was awesome. Right now I'm just fat, unhappy and unhealthy. How can I get happy when I have all these awful voices in my head telling me how awful I am? I'm such a fraud with my mental health month posts - if only people knew how not mentally healthy I am.
11. I'm so tired of EVERYONE talking about what they can't eat and how gluten is bad for you and people shouldn't eat dairy and sugar wrecks your body. I can't get away from it. I guess this is where I'm supposed to tune it out but it's hard when I follows me everywhere I goddamn go.
12. I'm mad at my body for not letting me eat the things I want to eat. I'm mad at it for not doing what I want it to. And it's just going to get worse as I get older... I don't want to lose control of my body more than I already have. It makes sad and angry and resentful.
Ok, super tired and defeated now. But I'm glad I finally wrote some of this down. It's not going to keep it from popping up again but at least I can check "wrote about my feelings" off so I don't have to feel bad about not doing it, like I usually do...
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