Ride the Waves

It's been rough-going lately.

My long weekend was disappointing in so many ways: clashing personalities, unhappy with my swim, too much food talk, too much food, too much work. I had more meltdowns than one should have in 4 days of "vacation" over what I can/can't eat and should/shouldn't eat and being bossed around while bossing others around. I feel like I damaged relationships with my friends. :(  Perhaps my toe polish color "Ride the Waves" was a harbinger the things that would transpire...

Now this week, I'm back into the frying pan at work. At times I feel like I could keep doing this job, other times I loathe having to come to work. I feel like I'm failing every day or that I will never exceed the bar. I feel bad for not wanting to work so many hours. I keep dropping balls. I don't think this job is the right fit, but I want to keep it for the prestige. Why? I don't know.

I feel dead inside today and I hope people haven't seen me crying. I want to go eat, but I know it's not the answer. I look and feel fat, my clothes don't fit but I keep eating to medicate myself. It's so stupid because it's antithetical to what my goal is - to be skinny again. I know I should be eating better foods that will make my body happier physically and weight-wise, but I just don't want to.

Something that worries me right now is that I have no interest in exercise. I don't want to swim tonight, I don't want to go to barre tomorrow and the thought of putting on yoga clothes in which I will look dumpy and awful (but not as dumpy and awful as I look in my bathing suit) makes we want to cry even more. Really all I want to do is eat and sleep, but I can't sleep because I'm supposed to be working, so I just eat.

Actually, I blame working out for getting me into this awful state I'm in because if I hadn't wanted to cure my body pain so I could train and race more I wouldn't have done the elimination diet and found out about all these foods I can't eat and I wouldn't have lost so much weight which set my vision for how I should look and I wouldn't have rebounded into being a horrible compulsive eater.

I'm so sad all the time these days, and I don't know what to do about it. I wonder "is this all there is, and if so, what's the point?" I try to be positive but I keep getting dragged down into the mire.

Oh, and now I've wasted my working time writing so I'll be at work late again tonight.

#mentalhealthmonth and all that jazz...