My head sucks at keeping me from eating when my heart hurts. I did pretty well today until I had some sort of mini meltdown after going to dinner with female colleagues who all seem smarter, better dressed, and more fab than me and then talking to a friend who finally quit a job she hated, giving her praise for doing something that was true to herself.
I scarfed down half a pint of ice cream (boring vegan chocolate vs. the fun flavors like coffee oreo) and a shortbread cookie and a big peanut butter blossom, the last two containing all the things I'm not supposed to eat: gluten, eggs, dairy, corn products. So I beat myself up for eating too much and eating stuff I'm not supposed to be eating. And I'm angry because I'm fat and not able to eat what I really want to eat and have no willpower. I feel like I'm not only in the hole again but that it's a whirlpool I'm going 'round and 'round and 'round in. Some days it feels like a sinkhole I'm being smothered by.
I'm trying to be nice to myself by saying, "Well at least you aren't full blown bingeing" but that rings a bit hollow when I feel so out of control. It really is *compulsive* eating. The cycle is vicious but I'm having a hard time stopping it.
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