I don't know what to do

I hate my body.
I hate my job.

I think I need to get out of this job but I don't know how to do it gracefully and without making myself feel like a loser.
Why am I so weak? Why can't I step up like other people do?

I know I need to stop eating so much but I don't know what else to do instead when I'm tired, stressed out, crying, have a nervous breakdown.
I know I need to be working right now, but I'm going to work out because I ate too much today, I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated what I saw.

I spent all day thinking about my fat rolls and how much I hated them and could other people see them and were they thinking I was fat and my clothes were squeezing me and I hated not being thin.

I got frisked at the airport and I hated having someone touch my fat. It made me cry.

I miss my old body - any iteration of it...thinner, fitter, skinny, screaming skull face. It's all better than how I look now and how I feel now.

How did I get myself into this situation and how do I get out without totally ruining my life?

I'm afraid that if I tell my boss I don't like my job, he'll tell me to just suck it up and I'll end up sucking down so much food that I'll be morbidly obese by the end of the year.
I'm afraid I'll have to quit to save face.
I'm afraid I'll never get a job again like my friend who quit MSFT a couple years ago.
Why did I do this to myself? Why did I take this job? Why didn't I listen to my intuition that it wasn't going to be the right fit for me?
I know I need to be authentic but how do I tell my boss that I know this job isn't right for me because I've gained 20 lbs since I've started it? That I'd rather workout than work?

Crap I just looked at myself in the mirror and I can see the huge fat roll protruding from underneath my workout clothes. It's so awful. How could I have gained 40 lbs in a year and a half? I know I was too skinny back then, but I'm so disgusting now.

I'm probably scaring anyone who reads this but it's how I feel. And everyone says you're supposed to talk about how you feel to make progress. I just feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into the hole again. Only this time there is no adulation for being skinny, just a fat face looking back at me from the mirror, wondering where the thin, successful girl went.

Ok, enough blubbering now. Time to get to the gym, get into bed, and get back home tomorrow. I hope that I figure out a way through this next day, week, month, year... Life is too short to feel this bad about myself.

Jelly donut

I don't eat jelly donuts but there is one sitting on my belly. It jiggles, it wiggles, it protrudes over my pants and sticks out in dresses. I haven't seen the jelly donut in a long time. The last time was when I lived in Chicago and I was desperately unhappy about my life. I guess I'm in the same place now. I've cried almost every night I've been on this trip. Cried because I'm overwhelmed by my work, cried because I'm exhausted, cried because I can't believe I've let this happen to my body.

my guess is that by the time I get home and weigh myself I'll be over my panic weight by about 5 pounds. I've been eating more because I'm tired (lots of Coke because I get sleepy in meetings and the coke in Europe has real sugar in it) and I've wanted to sample the local cuisine (Iberian ham and Italian prosciutto...yum!) and sometimes I go overboard. I dont feel horrible about my eating, but But I'm scared that my rings don't fit anymore, a jacket stretches uncomfortably across my back and shoulders, and my watch is snug. A photo I took with a friend shocked me because my face is so round and pudgy. Compared to two years ago I look like the usual blobby American than the slim athlete I aspire to be.

I don't know how I'm going to course correct. Part of me wants to flee, like I fled Chicago, to see if quitting my job would help. Another part of me wants to take on the challenge of learning to channel my frustrations outside of food. I keep flopping back and forth like a fish gasping for air. And sometimes I do actually gasp for air when I go into panic mode about the situation I've gotten myself into.

My job is only going to get more stressful in the next month. In the next week alone I have to finish a keynote speech, write a worldwide priorities memo, write two emails to 4000 people and figure out the logistics to send them, start and finish a research project, write a blog that's overdue, and write my review. I need to decide what my "talk track" is with my boss. This is an inflection point that I could take advantage of and use to tell him I'm not happy. That this job is killing me. I'm conflicted about having this conversation for reason, but it dominates my thoughts. Well, when I'm not thinking about the jelly donut.

Not my words, but applies to me

Essential AuthenticityRevealing Your True Self
by Madisyn Taylor

Our true selves exist whether we acknowledge them or not, often buried under fears and learned behavior.

Identity is an elusive concept. We feel we must define ourselves using a relatively small selection of roles and conscious character traits, even if none accurately represents our notion of “self.” The confusion surrounding our true natures is further compounded by the fact that society regularly asks us to suppress so much of our emotional, intellectual, and spiritual vibrancy. Yet we are, in truth, beings of light—pure energy inhabiting physical bodies, striving for enlightenment while living earthly lives. Our true selves exist whether we acknowledge them or not, often buried under fears and learned behavior. When we recognize our power, our luminosity, and our divinity, we cannot help but live authentic lives of appreciation, potential, fulfillment, and grace.

At birth and throughout your childhood, your thoughts and feelings were more than likely expressions of your true self. Though you may have learned quickly that to speak and act in a certain fashion would win others’ approval, you understood innately that you were no ordinary being. There are many ways you can recapture the authenticity you once articulated so freely. Meditation can liberate you from the bonds of those earthly customs that compel you to downplay your uniqueness. Also, communing with nature can remind you of the special role you were meant to play in this lifetime. In order to realize your purpose, you must embrace your true self by letting your light shine forth, no matter the consequences.

Rediscovering who you are apart from your roles and traits takes time and also courage. If, like many, you have denied your authenticity for a long while, you may find it difficult to separate your true identity from the identity you have created to cope with the world around you. Once you do find this authentic self, however, you will be overcome by a wonderful sense of wholeness as you reconcile your spiritual aspect and your physical aspect, as well as your inner- and outer-world personas. As you gradually adjust to this developing unity, your role as a being of light will reveal itself to you, and you will discover that you have a marvelous destiny to fulfill.

Acceptance

One of the joys of my hotel room besides a lovely view of the hillside, the park I ran in this morning and the pool I wish I could go swim in is that I get to contemplate my body from all angles in the full length mirrors in the bathroom.

On one hand it horrifies me to look at my fleshiness. On the other hand, I realize that some people might find this more attractive than a stick thin, ripped woman.  Although that person isn't me, I also realize that the challenge is for me to accept and love myself regardless of what weight I carry on my bones. I don't have to like it, and I can change it, but it shouldn't make me hate myself.

I hope to grow to accept who I am, the plusses, the minuses, the things I can work on and the things I can't change.

I still want to lose weight but I want it to be because I'm becoming the best version of me I can be, not because I think I'm flawed as a person because I'm not thin.

Highs today (at 2:55 p.m. Barcelona time):

- Coke with real sugar in it available at the hotel!
- Screwing up the courage to continue to talk to a CVP even though I made a bad impression with my first comment to him.
- Making connections with new people at work, and one of them offering to send his favorite restaurant reco for Milan
- Sunshine on my face

hating myself right now

I'm .5lbs away from my panic weight.

I fucked up this morning and didn't bring my wallet to the airport and rod has to go back and get it for me. My boss has since texted and asked where I am, and I told the truth and now I'm sure he thinks I'm even more of an idiot than he already thinks I am.

I think I am an idiot.

and this is where the rub is.

In ED therapy they always talk about food being a symptom of something else going on. This time it's that I'm mad at myself, actually I use the word hate in my own head, it just sounds so harsh. I'm mad that I took a job I don't lime when I had strong inklkngs it wasn't cir me. I'm mad that I can't listen to my own intuition. I'm mad that I feel like a huge failure in this job. I'm mad that I can't own up to what I want out of life and then go after that. I'm mad about a bunch of things I can't control.

I'm just bad and angry and the only way I know to stuff those feelings down is through food.

A Change in Plan

I was really bummed this morning when I stepped on the scale and saw that I gained more weight. I grumped my way to the pool, belittling myself for what I've done to my body lately.

And then I had a realization in the pool. A while back I said to myself, "If I get to XXX pounds (my "OMG, I can't weigh THIS much" weight), I'm quitting this job." Well, I'm not enjoying my job right now and I kinda want out of it, so I think I am subconsciously eating all the time so that I have an excuse to leave. I need to turn that thinking around to say, "If I get to my goal "racing weight" (which is what I weighed before all this bullshit started), then I can consider quitting." Make it a reward vs. a punishment.

It's worth a shot...

Highs:
-Made it to swimming!
-A family friend is coming to visit - yay! 

Black Cloud

Super depressed this morning. I just want to go back to bed, but I can't. I have meetings all day long. A list of "To Dos" as long as my arm. An impending international trip that I'm trying to prepare for.

I'm sad that I screwed up again. I'm really sad that my natural inclination is to eat even more today. Probably to smother my feelings. I hate the way I feel right now, physically and mentally.

I'm trying to figure out how to brighten my mood. I can't listen to music because I have to be on calls or in meetings. I can't deal with other people's energies right now. I can't surf the internet for cute animals because I'm supposed to be paying attention during my meetings.

I need alternate coping strategies but the ones that have been offered to me don't seem to help. I'm hoping that doing this blog might help. Perhaps I need to get a cat - if only I could take it to work.

I don't know how I'm going to manage to keep it together the next few weeks...

Disappointed

The day had its ups and downs and I wish I could report that it ended on an up note, but it didn't.

I'm frustrated with myself. I'm irritated that I keep falling in the same holes. I wonder when I'll finally stop putting my body and mind through the same loop over and over and over again.

Food isn't the answer. Eating more of what I don't want doesn't make it what I do want. Eating because I'm mad at someone else just punishes me. Eating because I feel unfulfilled doesn't fill up my soul.

I'm tired and I just want the world to stop sometimes. I want to take a break. But, I keep going because if I don't I'll just get more stuck.

I have faith that I'll stop doing this to myself someday, that I'll figure out how to stop using food as a drug, a coping mechanism and the fallback to any special event. I just don't want to look like whale by the time I do.

Highs for today:
- I found out that a good friend is going to be at Mobile World Congress - yay!
- I didn't lollygag after my doctor's appointment
- The sun came out :)

Happy Clappy

"Clap along if you know what happiness is to you."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM


I can't clap yet.


In an email exchange with a friend, I wrote this:


I keep debating about how to define happiness, if that's what we're all trying to achieve in our lifetimes. What really makes me happy? How do I get that? Why do people think you have to suffer to get what you want and be happy? Sure the road can be challenging but it shouldn't be miserable, right?

I guess some of it boils down to what you want (e.g.,if you want to be a bazillionaire, you probably have to work your ass off at some start up) and what you're willing to suffer for (e.g.,, we are willing to suffer to achieve our personal athletic goals).

I think if I could just figure out how to discern between hard because it's getting me to a goal I want to achieve and hard because it's not something I really want, I would be much happier.

So the job I have right now which is NOT making me happy currently... is it hard because I'm doing stuff that's new and someday I'll be happy that I stayed in the role because I learned a ton, or is it hard because I'm doing things I don't like doing and don't really care about? I'm not sure yet. In the meantime, my level of unhappiness is pretty high, especially because I'm not particularly good at growth and change, and working for a perfectionist makes me question everything I do and get down on myself on pretty much a daily basis. (Note this perfectionist isn't perfect but he's damn good at what he does, is way smarter than me, and is respectful to boot, so it's not like he's an ogre, he just pushes everyone's buttons in terms of having a super high quality bar. So I sit at presentations he's giving and collect every mistake I've made on his PPT slides...)

Here's a list of what I know makes me happy, as silly as some of these things may be: sunsets, cute animals, swimming, yoga, hanging out with friends, watching funny TV and movies, music, driving fast, doing a good job on a project at work, spending time with my family, being warm, the beach, snorkeling, turtles, doing novel things (see my iFly video on FB), cooking, food (ok, that's a love/hate relationship right now), connecting with people, seeing the Microsoft logo lit up at night, laughing, making a good salary, other people thinking I'm smart, me doing something clever, waxing poetic about brand crap, traveling, challenging myself in small athletic ways, massages, taking goofy photos...

So how do I gather these up and make them into a credo for how to live my happy life?

Highs for today:

- Fun in the wind tunnel!

- Spending time with a new(ish) friend and her husband and really enjoying it

Metaphor

One of my therapists has a theory that what you crave food-wise hints at what you crave in life. I was thinking about that this morning as I was searching for something to wear. My wardrobe options are shrinking as my size is growing, and the thought that went through my head was that I was going to start bursting out of my clothes soon.


That led me to think about what the metaphor might be...perhaps I want to bust out of this life I'm living that doesn't feel like me. I certainly don't feel at home in my body right now! 

I want something different and new but I keep seeking solace in my old habits, my old ways. It's hard to feel stuck and sometimes I think it out would feel like the plunge you take into the pool or the bandaid you rip off quickly. 

In the meantime, though, I'm just feeling large and not in charge. :p

Stormy weather

I'm sitting in the Oakland Airport, waiting on my delayed flight. Tears keep streaming down my face and I don't know why. Ok, that's not really true. It's because I'm frustrated, and angry, and confused, and I don't know how to process all the crap that I feel.

I came here to celebrate my best friend from high school making it through chemo with a lovely day at the spa. I got a chance to catch up with another friend from school and see her original musical performed at a children's theater in SF. My sister and I got to spend some quality time together, eating at a family favorite restaurant. I swam in an outdoor pool, and didn't freeze my ass off.

But that last phrase is part of the problem. Every moment of this trip was clouded by my thoughts about how unhappy I am with my body, my use of food as a coping mechanism, my inability to stop eating. The thoughts are non-stop, and overwhelming at times. Beating myself up about what I eat is routine. Promising myself that tomorrow will be the day I eat better is the proverbial broken record.

I feel powerless, a boat being battered around in a storm.
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I meant for this place to be a spot to talk about the good and bad. I hope that there will be days I can write about the great stuff happening. But since this doesn't seem to be the norm, I want to end each post with a positive. A mini gratitude journal...

Some highs for 2/9:
- Enjoying dim sum lunch without too much negative chatter in my head.
- Managing to get myself into bed without eating anything (even though I desperately wanted to)

The Wrong Week

I have the horrible habit of saying, "Tomorrow I'll... <insert particular food thing I'll stop/start doing>".  Then I get mad at myself when I don't. Sometimes I blame this on my job, which is really stressful right now. When I do that, it makes me think of this clip from the movie Airplane: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeI5ke0BENw.

In some ways this is the wrong time to try to tame my demons, but it's also the right time. I have to learn to stop using food as a drug, a weapon, a comfort, a salve. But while I try to learn how to stop stress eating, and hopefully go back to a more healthy diet, I also need to give myself compassion for when I don't always meet the task head on... sometimes a piece of chocolate is the reward for making it through a long day. I just have to make it a piece, and not a whole bar!

Not so big thoughts about the Biggest Loser

When I turned on the TV the other night, I saw this:

I switched channels quickly because I knew it would be a trigger (and maybe that's why I ended up eating way too much chocolate that night). This woman is my height and her end weight was 105 - the weight I dropped to and stayed at for so long. Part of me knows that's not a good weight for me. I remember looking at myself in a full-length mirror and crying, thinking, what have I done to myself? I had no boobs, my thighs didn't touch, my butt had fallen off. 

But, I hate the way I look now. I want to have that thin, sculpted face again. I'd like to see the muscles in my legs and arms without a layer of fat covering them. I yearn to have my clothes fit, even be loose. I'd like to look like an athlete again. 

It's hard to see images like this, to see that someone just won $250K for essentially becoming an anorexic-at least that's what people told me I was. To watch the media turn fat shaming into a national sport, while our food supply is becoming more toxic every day which makes it hard to maintain a *healthy* weight. It's hard for me to balance what my logical mind tells me and what my ED tells me. The attached article said that, "A more constructive message to send young people would center on well-rounded health and the importance of eating well, moving well and sleeping well...that focus needs to be on embracing body-size diversity." I hope I can embrace that for myself someday.

On the road...

For someone who's been a mental health advocate (and wanna be champion) for several years, I've been oddly silent about my own struggles with mental health issues: depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. 

It's the last that's prompted me to start this blog because my ED therapists are always telling me to journal but I hate doing it. After writing them many impassioned emails, I figured out that it was because I don't like writing in a book that no one will ever read. It's just like me wallowing in my own mud hole. Having encouragement, support, and friendly words (or the occasional kick in the but) is what I want and need. I want my words to be read, my thoughts to be heard. It sucks to be silent.

As I approach the 2nd anniversary of my descent into the ED hole, I decided to start writing because I've been struggling. A lot. Out of control eating, mood swings, self-hate. I wish I could be anorexic again. I know it's because I'm not happy in my job, my life, but I've decided that I can't just ditch the things that don't make me happy because there will be things that I can't control that make me unhappy and I need to learn how to cope without using food like a drug.

I have no idea how often I'll post or how long it will last but I thought I should give it a whirl. I'm calling the blog "Highs and Holes" because of the below poem my first ED therapist gave me. I think about it a lot because it's about the journey, about learning how to see the hole, get out of the hole, avoid the hole,  and eventually not even encounter the hole. Highs refers to the minor wins I want to remember to document and celebrate, the road I want to take, and the way I want to feel about my body and my life.

So there it is. I'm inviting you in because you've been a friend. Thank you for your support.

Autobiography in Five Chapters

by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

 I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

 I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open,
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

 I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

 I walk down another street.