I'm pissed off at myself right now.
I thought cooking a big Chinese New Year dinner would be fun. I spent a ton of time cooking and then me, my sister and her husband either sat in silence or they bickered at each other. Even though I was irritated and ate too much because their dynamic stressed me out, I was happy I cooked the food because it was tasty and made feel good about doing something I set out to do. I made soup, fried rice, and noodles. Yum.
But then the ice cream (that I shouldn't have bought but did because I've been too tempted to eat my sister's - ok, ok, I know that should've been a sign....) came out and I ate the fortune cookies (wheat, eggs) that I bought. And ate way too much/too many and went back for more after my sister and BIL went to bed. Sigh.
I can see the roll on my stomach getting ever larger. I don't know what environment will be the best for me to get over this. I'm confused about what to do next.... and food may give me the comfort I need in the short term but it also makes me feel bad about myself so it's not the solution.
My attempt to show my family love through food failed and the attempt to make myself feel better by eating ends up backfiring all the time too....
But, those cookies were tasty, and that chocolate ice cream was so rich, yummy, and awesome.
Friday, February 20, 2015
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Steps?
So, today was pretty awful. My sister asked us to kill her because she was in so much pain after her surgery (and the fucking medical staff was SO UNHELPFUL it made me hate the medical establishment even more). It was so hard to watch her suffer and feel like I couldn't help. It makes me feel so bad for her that her life is so painful. I hate watching how she and her husband interact because she's tired of being in pain, and he's tired of taking care of her. It makes me so sad.
I felt guilty because I shouldn't have left her last night, I should have stayed in the hospital. Then I slept in and missed the doctor's rounds, where maybe I could've been helpful. But I'm so tired. And I think about having to watch my dad decline, be in pain, be on heavy duty meds and it makes me anxious and sad.
But if I put a positive spin on it, perhaps the last 3 months and then this journey are all preparing me for that. Being with my dad made me more compassionate (I think) and willing to help someone who's sick. Being with my sister is helping me work my way up to watching my dad die. It's all really awful and I wish I didn't have to go through any of it. But maybe it's helping me grow somehow.
I hope that I can also learn how to not use food as comfort during this time. It's so hard though....
Ok, off to bed. I read that lack of sleep lowers leptin and increases grehlin which is a super bad combo leading to weight gain. And I'm pudge-ball... Not happy about it, but not the most important issue right now... another time.
I felt guilty because I shouldn't have left her last night, I should have stayed in the hospital. Then I slept in and missed the doctor's rounds, where maybe I could've been helpful. But I'm so tired. And I think about having to watch my dad decline, be in pain, be on heavy duty meds and it makes me anxious and sad.
But if I put a positive spin on it, perhaps the last 3 months and then this journey are all preparing me for that. Being with my dad made me more compassionate (I think) and willing to help someone who's sick. Being with my sister is helping me work my way up to watching my dad die. It's all really awful and I wish I didn't have to go through any of it. But maybe it's helping me grow somehow.
I hope that I can also learn how to not use food as comfort during this time. It's so hard though....
Ok, off to bed. I read that lack of sleep lowers leptin and increases grehlin which is a super bad combo leading to weight gain. And I'm pudge-ball... Not happy about it, but not the most important issue right now... another time.
Monday, February 9, 2015
When will it stop?
Things keep going "wrong" and I'm suffering for it. Housing issues, car issues, now parking issues. I keep trying my best to help solve them, but then the blow up. The newest is the parking space for my sister's car, which none of us wanted sent over in the first place. Now that she's back in Seattle and won't be coming back in March, if at all, we need to find a place to park it. I thought we had a spot for it but the people want it back now, and so I'm having to scramble to find something.
It makes me ANGRY because I'm tired of having to deal with all these issues, all her messes, having to pay for things that are useless and a waste of money. I'm TIRED of having to deal with jerky people, haggling for shit I don't want to deal with in the first place, and causing my dad and mom strife. I'm PISSED that I can't control my emotions enough to not let this shit affect me. That's what makes me eat at night. That's what makes my life miserable.
I know this is a shitty time, but could it stop being shittier? I already have to deal with my father dying, my mother having dementia, my sister having really awful physical and mental problem, being conflicted about what to do with my life, my own ED, etc. etc. I know that it is my reaction to the shit that happens that makes me suffer, but I'm feeling so fragile right now that I can barely make it through the day sometimes without having a total meltdown. Or I keep the meltdown at bay only to binge eat at night. Classic stuff, but I can't process it other ways yet.
I know my sister is suffering right now, but I'm so irritated with her sometimes. I know it's not her fault that things happened the way they did, but I'm tired of cleaning up the messes. I know she put good effort in this week to help here, but now she's gone and I'm still mopping things up. It sucks. Big time.
I don't like to talk to my friends about this stuff because it feels like I'm just complaining but I can't deal with this on my own. And people say I should ask for help. So here it is.... universe, please help me make it through this awful time, please stop throwing these grenades at me. I'm tired and afraid and don't know what to do. Everyone says I'm so great, but it's not true, it's all a sham. I'm just a duck, looking all good on the surface and paddling furiously underneath.
It makes me ANGRY because I'm tired of having to deal with all these issues, all her messes, having to pay for things that are useless and a waste of money. I'm TIRED of having to deal with jerky people, haggling for shit I don't want to deal with in the first place, and causing my dad and mom strife. I'm PISSED that I can't control my emotions enough to not let this shit affect me. That's what makes me eat at night. That's what makes my life miserable.
I know this is a shitty time, but could it stop being shittier? I already have to deal with my father dying, my mother having dementia, my sister having really awful physical and mental problem, being conflicted about what to do with my life, my own ED, etc. etc. I know that it is my reaction to the shit that happens that makes me suffer, but I'm feeling so fragile right now that I can barely make it through the day sometimes without having a total meltdown. Or I keep the meltdown at bay only to binge eat at night. Classic stuff, but I can't process it other ways yet.
I know my sister is suffering right now, but I'm so irritated with her sometimes. I know it's not her fault that things happened the way they did, but I'm tired of cleaning up the messes. I know she put good effort in this week to help here, but now she's gone and I'm still mopping things up. It sucks. Big time.
I don't like to talk to my friends about this stuff because it feels like I'm just complaining but I can't deal with this on my own. And people say I should ask for help. So here it is.... universe, please help me make it through this awful time, please stop throwing these grenades at me. I'm tired and afraid and don't know what to do. Everyone says I'm so great, but it's not true, it's all a sham. I'm just a duck, looking all good on the surface and paddling furiously underneath.
I am a liar, sorta
My dad was talking to me tonight about my food and body issues, saying he thought I looked great, thought I was doing well with eating healthy, etc. Then he asked me point blank if I binge ate. And I said, "well, sometimes..." and then I brushed it off like it was an occasional thing, not something that is a common happening, something that tortures me.
It's nice to know that my dad (and the rest of my family) think I look better now that when I was super skinny, but I don't think so. At least, I would like to lose a few pounds, some body fat percentage points, etc. And I'd really like to stop with the bingeing/grazing/overeating.
I had an anxiety attack at breakfast today about what to eat, since we were at a pancake place and they didn't really have anything "safe" to eat and I also wanted the coconut pancakes. So I got them. And ate all of them. Even though my family was watching, and I know it confuses my mom.
After that, I didn't eat anything until dinner when I hoovered up beef stew (probably not safe), chicken yakitori (made with regular Soy sauce so not safe), tofu with ginger sauce (who knows) and broccoli (safe). Then I had tea and a non-safe chocolate. And then after watching TV, the madness started. I was making a smoothie to get some fruit in (and it's kind of like a shake, so dessert-y) when my sister called. It stressed me out because I could tell by her voice (loud) that she wanted to talk for a while, and I wanted to drink my smoothie and go to bed. So I drank the smoothie and then ate another candy and then started in on the choc chips and nut butters. Ugh, I feel gross now. Sad for my inability to not put the food down even though I know it's not helping me in so many ways.... But I'm going to keep trying to stop and channel myself in other directions. And when I don't.... so be it. Beating myself up isn't really helpful.
On another note, a friend posted an article today about the rise of orthorexia and I publically admitted I'd had it and was still recovering. It was weird to post that but I did.... and it felt sorta good but sorta like I need to start telling the larger truths to more people. Be honest, be authentic, etc.
Ok, gotta go to bed. Super tired. And tomorrow is Monday Runday. And I already want to eat again... sigh.
It's nice to know that my dad (and the rest of my family) think I look better now that when I was super skinny, but I don't think so. At least, I would like to lose a few pounds, some body fat percentage points, etc. And I'd really like to stop with the bingeing/grazing/overeating.
I had an anxiety attack at breakfast today about what to eat, since we were at a pancake place and they didn't really have anything "safe" to eat and I also wanted the coconut pancakes. So I got them. And ate all of them. Even though my family was watching, and I know it confuses my mom.
After that, I didn't eat anything until dinner when I hoovered up beef stew (probably not safe), chicken yakitori (made with regular Soy sauce so not safe), tofu with ginger sauce (who knows) and broccoli (safe). Then I had tea and a non-safe chocolate. And then after watching TV, the madness started. I was making a smoothie to get some fruit in (and it's kind of like a shake, so dessert-y) when my sister called. It stressed me out because I could tell by her voice (loud) that she wanted to talk for a while, and I wanted to drink my smoothie and go to bed. So I drank the smoothie and then ate another candy and then started in on the choc chips and nut butters. Ugh, I feel gross now. Sad for my inability to not put the food down even though I know it's not helping me in so many ways.... But I'm going to keep trying to stop and channel myself in other directions. And when I don't.... so be it. Beating myself up isn't really helpful.
On another note, a friend posted an article today about the rise of orthorexia and I publically admitted I'd had it and was still recovering. It was weird to post that but I did.... and it felt sorta good but sorta like I need to start telling the larger truths to more people. Be honest, be authentic, etc.
Ok, gotta go to bed. Super tired. And tomorrow is Monday Runday. And I already want to eat again... sigh.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
I want to eat right now
Why? Because I'm tired, so I should go lie down, but I have things to do. But maybe I'll practice some true self care and listen to my body for once?
What I ate and why (and other random stuff)
My sister is smart. She said instead of flagellating myself when I graze or binge eat that I should write what I liked about the food I ate (or didn't). So here goes for today:
Taro chips: Salty, bready, toothy fat. Yum.
Pan de Crème: a sweetbread bun with ice cream and nutella. All sorts of forbidden foods, but so good. Hot bun, cold sweet ice cream, and chocolately good nutella.
Nutella ice cream: ehn, not really worth it.
See's candy: 2 pieces full of milk and corn syrup but still chocolately and tasty, and a family tradition. My dad loves them and it makes me happy to see him eat them.
Butter flake roll and butter: I bought this for my sister but she hasn't eaten it yet. So I want a piece to sample it. WAY buttery and not so flakey because it's a day old. But the real butter was really good. I like fat. It's soothing to me.
Chocolate chips and pecans: I love the combination of nutty goodness and chocolate. Pecans are slightly sweet, and dark chocolate chips are just a little not sweet. Very yummy together. I like eating them by the fingerfuls. I find the repetitiveness comforting (not sure why, I should probe that). I like feeling full and satisfied.
My sister says I need to figure out why I eat:
- am I upset about my dad?
- do I feel like I have no control?
- do I feel like I have too much responsibility here?
- do I want to go home?
- do I not ever want to go home?
I know I eat when I'M:
- tired
- frustrated
- unhappy
- pissed about my food
She says I need new hobbies that aren't competitive, suggests doing something new once a month, do things that give to other people.
I want to figure out how to feel my feelings and how identify what's really going on. I want to figure out when to feel my feelings vs. when to move on. I want to start being ok with the way I eat, the way I look and what I'm doing with my life.
Taro chips: Salty, bready, toothy fat. Yum.
Pan de Crème: a sweetbread bun with ice cream and nutella. All sorts of forbidden foods, but so good. Hot bun, cold sweet ice cream, and chocolately good nutella.
Nutella ice cream: ehn, not really worth it.
See's candy: 2 pieces full of milk and corn syrup but still chocolately and tasty, and a family tradition. My dad loves them and it makes me happy to see him eat them.
Butter flake roll and butter: I bought this for my sister but she hasn't eaten it yet. So I want a piece to sample it. WAY buttery and not so flakey because it's a day old. But the real butter was really good. I like fat. It's soothing to me.
Chocolate chips and pecans: I love the combination of nutty goodness and chocolate. Pecans are slightly sweet, and dark chocolate chips are just a little not sweet. Very yummy together. I like eating them by the fingerfuls. I find the repetitiveness comforting (not sure why, I should probe that). I like feeling full and satisfied.
My sister says I need to figure out why I eat:
- am I upset about my dad?
- do I feel like I have no control?
- do I feel like I have too much responsibility here?
- do I want to go home?
- do I not ever want to go home?
I know I eat when I'M:
- tired
- frustrated
- unhappy
- pissed about my food
She says I need new hobbies that aren't competitive, suggests doing something new once a month, do things that give to other people.
I want to figure out how to feel my feelings and how identify what's really going on. I want to figure out when to feel my feelings vs. when to move on. I want to start being ok with the way I eat, the way I look and what I'm doing with my life.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Bad food night
Got mad at my mom for eating part of my dessert. She said she didn't want anything and then when my dad and I ordered lilikoi pie (which is me cheating...) and the waitress split it into fours, I kinda lost it. It was mine to eat, and I ended up grabbing her plate when she had about half left. Not cool. I hate that food makes me act like that.
Tonight I'm stressed out about whether or not to leave so I grazed on See's chocolates (cheating again), ice cream and leftover latte, and then the really bad thing was eating nut butter and chocolate chips. Ugh. Now my tummy hurts, my mouth is tingly, my head is itchy, and I feel bad about myself.
I need to stop buying graze-inducing foods, but then I still graze anyway because I'm not satisfied. :(
I want to be thin like Sienna Miller was in American Sniper. I want to be fit like the lady I saw coming out of a gym in Kailua. I want my old body back, the one that had no fat, people envied, and made me feel good about myself. Sadly, eating is more pleasing to me in the moment than the promise of being thin in the future.
Tonight I'm stressed out about whether or not to leave so I grazed on See's chocolates (cheating again), ice cream and leftover latte, and then the really bad thing was eating nut butter and chocolate chips. Ugh. Now my tummy hurts, my mouth is tingly, my head is itchy, and I feel bad about myself.
I need to stop buying graze-inducing foods, but then I still graze anyway because I'm not satisfied. :(
I want to be thin like Sienna Miller was in American Sniper. I want to be fit like the lady I saw coming out of a gym in Kailua. I want my old body back, the one that had no fat, people envied, and made me feel good about myself. Sadly, eating is more pleasing to me in the moment than the promise of being thin in the future.
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