Random Thoughts That Are Ear Worms For Me

"People suffer then they are pursuing a life or chasing a dream that's not meant for them."
- Caroline Myss

The great Way is easy, yet people prefer the side path. Be aware when things are out of balance. Stay centered within the Way.:
-Lao Tzu

"It seems to me these days that the easy way is no longer an option for us: it is an imperative. What you are meant to do in the world may have begun with difficulty, but from here on, you are obliged to find the easiest path to all of your objectives. "
-Martha Beck

"Going back to a simpler life is not a backwards step."

"We eat what we eat because we are afraid to feel what we feel."
-Geneen Roth

My life is out of control right now, as manifested by how I eat. I decided to go to OA and I checked almost  every box on their "questions to determine if you have a problem with compulsive eating." And after enjoying the meeting and feeling like it could be a good path for me, I went home and ate a huge dinner, had two (small) glasses of wine and ate two ice cream cones. Oh, and I totally wasted time I should have been working (like I am now) driving to get dinner and driving way out of my way to get ice cream that I didn't even really want all that much. I also thought about getting out of bed at 2:00 a.m. to eat peanut butter and chocolate but didn't only because my body was so tired.

There's a more authentic me (thinner, happier) hiding under the layers of fat I'm putting on my body as I medicate myself with food. Even right now as I type the voices in my head are arguing about whether I should be eating something. I'm tired, stressed, depressed and want to hide from everyone and everything. But I have to keep soldering on...

I hope things get easier. I hope I can back to being me.

 

 

Why did I do that??

My compulsive eating is out of control right now. Ice cream, toast, peanut butter, chocolate... pretty much every night this week. And coffee during the day... 

Sometimes I'm deliberate about it and sometimes it "just happens". Either way the outcome is the same - I feel terrible about myself. But I'm more flummoxed by the "just happens" thing, especially when it happens in a heartbeat. For example: I had a very rational plan for lunch today - eat my last hot dog before it went bad*, drink a Coke, and have a small bag of chips. I ended up subbing the chips for carrots and I was proud of myself for that. Then as I was cleaning up and thinking about work** all of a sudden I veered into the fridge and got out my coffee (after I'd already had coffee this morning) with coconut milk (full fat), and then got into the freezer to get out the 1/2 pint of chocolate "ice cream" and made myself a milkshake while sitting in front of the TV watching South Park (supposedly for work). That's probably 750 calories I just ate, and I'm frustrated because my weight is going up again, my clothes don't fit, all my friends are getting skinnier, and I can't stop eating.

I keeping thinking that I'll have it under control, and then something will snap. I don't even really think about it sometimes, the food just goes in my mouth and then I hate myself for it.

I think I just hate myself in general right now... which is weird because sometimes I really feel happy and can accept myself (pudge and all) and other times I can feel that I'm punishing myself for something - for mistakes I made in the past, for being unable to make changes and move forward. For living a life I'm not totally loving, for not being authentic.

But then I think that's just a bunch of bullshit and I need to learn how to not stuff food in my face when I'm unhappy, sad, stressed out, or angry.

I don't know what it will take: more therapy, OA, quitting my job, quitting MSFT, moving... but I will keep trying.


*I have issues throwing out food - feels like I'm throwing away money
**I suspect this is what set me off...

Beating Myself Up

These are all the self-flagellating thoughts I've had today which have culminated in me writing this blog when I should be working:

- Stayed up late so woke up late so got to work late
- Spent too much time at Whole Food this morning (see got to work late above)
- Felt unorganized and lame at a meeting with my vendor
- Caved and had a coffee, fought with the café people about the kind of "milk" I wanted in it
- Didn't end up enjoying latte and felt bad about drinking the high fat coconut milk
- Can see the pudge on my thighs and butt in my new dress which makes me sad
- Thought bad thoughts about myself because I'm buying new, bigger clothes instead of working late
- Felt bad about not working enough when someone told me he got to work at 4:00 a.m.
- Ordered WAY too much food for a going-away party and felt guilty about spending the company's money unwisely
- Had to go find a bottle opener because I forgot mine. I suck.
- Ate way too much, was the only person eating and again beat myself up about ordering too much food.
- Ate stuff that is "suspect" from a food sensitivity standpoint and worried about that (and now feel effects of it)
- Feel bad because the person for whom I threw the party is super thin and that's how I used to look and now I'm heavy and icky
- My watch is tight on my wrist and that bugs me
- I wish I hadn't take home all the plastic bags I had so I could pack up the leftover food for home.
- Think I have issues because I want to take the food home instead of just throwing it out or leaving it in the kitchen
- Frustrated that after eating too much at the party, I angry at a bag of chips
- Friend called and wants me to come visit - and I don't know how to juggle a visit with her and another friend and a vacation to Hawaii
- Frustrated that I have so much work to do and I just want to go home
- Frustrated that all I want to do is go home and eat
- Sad I can't be normal and happy.

Thin Excuses

I should write more, but I don't. Excuses are no time, no energy, don't want people reading it. But the thoughts in my head are loud and maybe they would be quieter if I let them out sometimes.


Lately I've been on a rollercoaster with work, with eating, with alternately wanting companionship and wanting to be alone. I'm avoiding people who are thinner than I am. It's painful to see people who are as thin as I used to be (and there are a number in my life) because I am envious and also think they have problems. Eventually I override my feelings of jealousy and self-hatred because I know it's bad for me to isolate, but I still avoid them sometimes.


I see overweight people and say mean things about them in my head and then think it's karma coming back to bite me that I can't stop eating, can't lose weight. The excuse is that I'm so stressed out and that it's the only thing keeping me from going crazy. Lame excuse.


I know I should quit my job but I can't bring myself to do it. I keep hoping it will get better, that my boss will finally only have to do one job and then I can only do one job and then maybe I'll like it better. Or that I'll figure out how to do this comms thing and once I get better at that then I'll like it better. That I'll get more praise and then I'll like it better. In the meantime, I cry pretty much every day, I eat too much every day, I fantasize about the life I want every day but I'm too afraid to pursue. The excuse is that giving up a job with the Chief Marketing Officer of a Fortune 100 company is something I'll regret.


In the meantime, I just wish I could be thin again. I know I should love my body no matter what size it is, but I just don't. I want to see my muscles again, my bones again. I want to have a thin face again, thin thighs again, thin ankles/wrists/waist. I want it all to be thin. I know this is stupid ED thinking, and I have no excuse for not accepting that I am at a perfectly "normal" weight and that it's ok to be a little pudgy for a while.


Someday I will give up all these thin excuses, buck up and make my life what I want it be.

I suck

I keep eating.
I keep lying to myself.
I keep avoiding my problems.


I tried a bath tonight so I wouldn't eat chocolate, but I still ate it after I got out.
I wanted to go to bed early, but I did email instead.
And I should do more, but I just don't care.


They say you should stand up for what you want.
Why can't I?
Why can't I be honest with myself about what I want?
Maybe then the voices in my head would go away.


I'm angry at my friends for being thinner than I am.
I'm angry at myself that I can't lose weight, that I can't be the skinny person I used to be.


I keep stuffing down my feelings when food.
When will it stop?


It seems like everything in my life makes me feel bad about myself.
Can't keep up at work.
Don't understand things others do.
Not motivated to make the changes I need to make.
Or scared to try.
Angry at my body for not letting me eat what I want to eat.
Punishing it by eating what I shouldn't.
I'm like a horrible alcoholic or drug addict, only with food.


I wonder why I bother going to therapy.
I wonder why I let myself keep going on down this path I don't want to be on.
What's in it for me?
Do my friends like me better now?
My family?
Do I like me any better?


I'm on the treadmill and I'm tired of it.
The roller coaster and it makes me sick.


I don't know who to talk to anymore.
I don't want to talk anyway.
It just doesn't matter.
I should just give up.


Because I suck.
Always have, always will.

Stop!

That's what I need to say to myself every time I eat when I'm not hungry, when I eat foods that make me feel icky, when I make choice about food based on what others are eating.

I have to stop eating till I feel sick, to dampen my feelings, to lessen my frustrations, to punish myself.

But I don't know why I can't make myself stop. I just keep doing the same thing over and over again. Not very smart.

Maybe it's because I listen to my head and not my heart, because I'm finding little enjoyment in the other things in my life, because I it's how I drug myself.

None of this is new. But something hasn't clicked yet and so I keep falling in the hole.

And I need to stop because my clothes don't fit, I look gross, I feel gross, and it's just another thing for me to beat myself up about.

I want to be thin again, to look athletic, to not be embarrassed about being in a bathing suit (like I was today). I want to be the one people envy, not the one envying others.

But I also have to stop making promises about what "diet" I'm going to go on tomorrow. Because that is clearly backfiring. I just don't know what will work. And I don't know who's going to help me figure that out.

Ok, off to drug myself now because I couldn't stop myself from eating crap and eating too much of it and now my stomach hurts and I won't be able to sleep unless I take an Ambien.

I hope the voices in my head stop long enough to let me get some good sleep...