I tried to do an "Alpha Reset" which is 5 days of juice only pretty much. 24 hours in and I felt gross. Stomach hurt, acid reflux, gurgly guts. Then I read on the purveyors page some missive about all the foods people with hypothyroidism aren't supposed to eat - most of which are in the juice I'm drinking. It made me cry, question how I'm eating, be angry at my body, and wonder what's the point of all of this if I can eat so few things - I seriously question why bother living.
At the same time, my ED is telling me how fat I am, how weak I am, how lame I am because I can't diet, I can't cleanse, I can't even stop eating the things I'm not supposed to eat.
I steeled myself to endure another 3 days of this, and then my B-I-L asked me to go out for Mexican food, and I thought "screw this" and went. Spending time with my sister and her husband made me happy. Eating real food made me happy (except for a little while when I kept picking at the dish when I should have stopped). Not listening to the voices in my heading telling me so many horrible things about myself made me happy. I came home and had "ice cream". And that made me happy. I was tempted to eat more, but I didn't and that made me happy.
I have to realize that dieting is not for me, that being happy is what keeps me from being a horrific compulsive eater. And that over time, I'll end up losing weight if I want to.
Until then, I'm not going to listen to people on the internet, on FB, in my life that tell me I'm bad for eating this, that or the other thing. ED already does that, and someday I'll get it to shut up too.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Random Rants
1. I'm very envious of skinny people. I'm jealous of my friends who are thinner than I am and who have the willpower to eat salads and not eat emotionally. I'm trying hard to not compare, not be envious, not resent them, but it's really challenging. I used to always be the thinnest of my friends, now I feel like I'm often the chunkiest. I'm also jealous of people I don't know who are thin and fit. I find myself staring at them and thinking "I used to look like that, I wish they knew that". The word "hate" comes into my mind often when I have these green-eyed monster thoughts.
2. A few of my friends have seen me or photos of me in bathing suits lately and they say, "Oh you look healthy now" or "You look normal again". I absolutely HATE being told this. I don't want to be normal. Normal Americans are fat. I used to look like an athlete, why would I want to look normal? And how can I be healthy when my head is so messed up?? Healthy and normal are just code words for "you have fat on your body."
3. It irritates the crap out of me that while I weigh sort of what I "used to" weigh, I can see the fat deposits on my stomach, thighs and hips. It's disgusting. I feel like a big solid blob of fat around my middle. I see myself in the mirror at barre, and I look thick. I see myself running in windows and I can see all the fat just stuck to my body and I don't look like an athlete anymore, I look like a chunky girl who can't run. At least when I was thin, I gave the illusion of being an athlete. Now I feel like I have a boat anchor tied around my waist, physically.
4. I keep promising myself I'll go on a diet and then I always find some lame reason to not do it. No wonder I feel like such a failure. My other friends can stick to diets/cleanses/reboots... why can't I? I just keep backsliding... oh, I'll just have a little snack at the movies and no dinner, oh I'll just have some salad when I get home, oh I'll just have roll with that salad, oh I'll just have a little ice cream and a piece of that waffle cone I made, oh I'll just have the whole waffle cone and maybe I'll jam ice cream into it. Oh, I can't start my juice diet tomorrow because I have lunch plans, Oh I'll just wait until I'm done with my leftovers, Oh I'll just have one meal a day, Oh I'll just start again tomorrow after I've used up all the strawberries I bought.
5. All I think about is food. It sucks.
6. I posted a photo of myself in a bikini on FB. I'm sure people think it's because I'm proud of my body. It's really because I hate my body but I'm trying not to let that keep me from doing things... post photos, workout, wear clothes that aren't baggy. But it gives me immense angst and sadness to see that photo of myself, especially when I also have photos of me 5, 10 lbs lighter that I liked my body way better.
7. I saw a movie tonight where all three girls/women in it looked like I used to look. Two of them looked anorexic. I wanted to call out the director on that (it was a SIFF flick so he was there) but I didn't because it would just sound like sour grapes. But I didn't enjoy watching the movie as much as I should have because I kept being annoyed by ED thought about how I should stop eating so I can lose weight. Only I can't because I have no willpower. :(
8. Food is my drug and I feel like a totally addict. Sometimes I want to get away from people just so I can eat, I want them to get the fuck out of my house so I can eat, I can't control my urge to eat and I just start eating when I walk in the door. It's so awful that my head gets consumed that way, that my body is signaling me to do that. And then when I do eat, I just want to eat more and more and more. Even when I feel sick.
9. I did no work this weekend, and I'm sure that will bite me in the ass this week. :( I'm tired and I want to skip work tomorrow but I won't because I'm a "good girl" and don't want to be a fuck up. But I always do fuck up somehow and either my boss reminds me what I should have done better or I tell myself I should have done better.
10. When did I turn into such a freak? I hate having ED, especially the one I have right now. I want to go back to being an orthorexic. At least I was thin and my physical health was awesome. Right now I'm just fat, unhappy and unhealthy. How can I get happy when I have all these awful voices in my head telling me how awful I am? I'm such a fraud with my mental health month posts - if only people knew how not mentally healthy I am.
11. I'm so tired of EVERYONE talking about what they can't eat and how gluten is bad for you and people shouldn't eat dairy and sugar wrecks your body. I can't get away from it. I guess this is where I'm supposed to tune it out but it's hard when I follows me everywhere I goddamn go.
12. I'm mad at my body for not letting me eat the things I want to eat. I'm mad at it for not doing what I want it to. And it's just going to get worse as I get older... I don't want to lose control of my body more than I already have. It makes sad and angry and resentful.
Ok, super tired and defeated now. But I'm glad I finally wrote some of this down. It's not going to keep it from popping up again but at least I can check "wrote about my feelings" off so I don't have to feel bad about not doing it, like I usually do...
2. A few of my friends have seen me or photos of me in bathing suits lately and they say, "Oh you look healthy now" or "You look normal again". I absolutely HATE being told this. I don't want to be normal. Normal Americans are fat. I used to look like an athlete, why would I want to look normal? And how can I be healthy when my head is so messed up?? Healthy and normal are just code words for "you have fat on your body."
3. It irritates the crap out of me that while I weigh sort of what I "used to" weigh, I can see the fat deposits on my stomach, thighs and hips. It's disgusting. I feel like a big solid blob of fat around my middle. I see myself in the mirror at barre, and I look thick. I see myself running in windows and I can see all the fat just stuck to my body and I don't look like an athlete anymore, I look like a chunky girl who can't run. At least when I was thin, I gave the illusion of being an athlete. Now I feel like I have a boat anchor tied around my waist, physically.
4. I keep promising myself I'll go on a diet and then I always find some lame reason to not do it. No wonder I feel like such a failure. My other friends can stick to diets/cleanses/reboots... why can't I? I just keep backsliding... oh, I'll just have a little snack at the movies and no dinner, oh I'll just have some salad when I get home, oh I'll just have roll with that salad, oh I'll just have a little ice cream and a piece of that waffle cone I made, oh I'll just have the whole waffle cone and maybe I'll jam ice cream into it. Oh, I can't start my juice diet tomorrow because I have lunch plans, Oh I'll just wait until I'm done with my leftovers, Oh I'll just have one meal a day, Oh I'll just start again tomorrow after I've used up all the strawberries I bought.
5. All I think about is food. It sucks.
6. I posted a photo of myself in a bikini on FB. I'm sure people think it's because I'm proud of my body. It's really because I hate my body but I'm trying not to let that keep me from doing things... post photos, workout, wear clothes that aren't baggy. But it gives me immense angst and sadness to see that photo of myself, especially when I also have photos of me 5, 10 lbs lighter that I liked my body way better.
7. I saw a movie tonight where all three girls/women in it looked like I used to look. Two of them looked anorexic. I wanted to call out the director on that (it was a SIFF flick so he was there) but I didn't because it would just sound like sour grapes. But I didn't enjoy watching the movie as much as I should have because I kept being annoyed by ED thought about how I should stop eating so I can lose weight. Only I can't because I have no willpower. :(
8. Food is my drug and I feel like a totally addict. Sometimes I want to get away from people just so I can eat, I want them to get the fuck out of my house so I can eat, I can't control my urge to eat and I just start eating when I walk in the door. It's so awful that my head gets consumed that way, that my body is signaling me to do that. And then when I do eat, I just want to eat more and more and more. Even when I feel sick.
9. I did no work this weekend, and I'm sure that will bite me in the ass this week. :( I'm tired and I want to skip work tomorrow but I won't because I'm a "good girl" and don't want to be a fuck up. But I always do fuck up somehow and either my boss reminds me what I should have done better or I tell myself I should have done better.
10. When did I turn into such a freak? I hate having ED, especially the one I have right now. I want to go back to being an orthorexic. At least I was thin and my physical health was awesome. Right now I'm just fat, unhappy and unhealthy. How can I get happy when I have all these awful voices in my head telling me how awful I am? I'm such a fraud with my mental health month posts - if only people knew how not mentally healthy I am.
11. I'm so tired of EVERYONE talking about what they can't eat and how gluten is bad for you and people shouldn't eat dairy and sugar wrecks your body. I can't get away from it. I guess this is where I'm supposed to tune it out but it's hard when I follows me everywhere I goddamn go.
12. I'm mad at my body for not letting me eat the things I want to eat. I'm mad at it for not doing what I want it to. And it's just going to get worse as I get older... I don't want to lose control of my body more than I already have. It makes sad and angry and resentful.
Ok, super tired and defeated now. But I'm glad I finally wrote some of this down. It's not going to keep it from popping up again but at least I can check "wrote about my feelings" off so I don't have to feel bad about not doing it, like I usually do...
Friday, May 23, 2014
Head vs Heart
My head sucks at keeping me from eating when my heart hurts. I did pretty well today until I had some sort of mini meltdown after going to dinner with female colleagues who all seem smarter, better dressed, and more fab than me and then talking to a friend who finally quit a job she hated, giving her praise for doing something that was true to herself.
I scarfed down half a pint of ice cream (boring vegan chocolate vs. the fun flavors like coffee oreo) and a shortbread cookie and a big peanut butter blossom, the last two containing all the things I'm not supposed to eat: gluten, eggs, dairy, corn products. So I beat myself up for eating too much and eating stuff I'm not supposed to be eating. And I'm angry because I'm fat and not able to eat what I really want to eat and have no willpower. I feel like I'm not only in the hole again but that it's a whirlpool I'm going 'round and 'round and 'round in. Some days it feels like a sinkhole I'm being smothered by.
I'm trying to be nice to myself by saying, "Well at least you aren't full blown bingeing" but that rings a bit hollow when I feel so out of control. It really is *compulsive* eating. The cycle is vicious but I'm having a hard time stopping it.
I scarfed down half a pint of ice cream (boring vegan chocolate vs. the fun flavors like coffee oreo) and a shortbread cookie and a big peanut butter blossom, the last two containing all the things I'm not supposed to eat: gluten, eggs, dairy, corn products. So I beat myself up for eating too much and eating stuff I'm not supposed to be eating. And I'm angry because I'm fat and not able to eat what I really want to eat and have no willpower. I feel like I'm not only in the hole again but that it's a whirlpool I'm going 'round and 'round and 'round in. Some days it feels like a sinkhole I'm being smothered by.
I'm trying to be nice to myself by saying, "Well at least you aren't full blown bingeing" but that rings a bit hollow when I feel so out of control. It really is *compulsive* eating. The cycle is vicious but I'm having a hard time stopping it.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Ride the Waves
It's been rough-going lately.
My long weekend was disappointing in so many ways: clashing personalities, unhappy with my swim, too much food talk, too much food, too much work. I had more meltdowns than one should have in 4 days of "vacation" over what I can/can't eat and should/shouldn't eat and being bossed around while bossing others around. I feel like I damaged relationships with my friends. :( Perhaps my toe polish color "Ride the Waves" was a harbinger the things that would transpire...
Now this week, I'm back into the frying pan at work. At times I feel like I could keep doing this job, other times I loathe having to come to work. I feel like I'm failing every day or that I will never exceed the bar. I feel bad for not wanting to work so many hours. I keep dropping balls. I don't think this job is the right fit, but I want to keep it for the prestige. Why? I don't know.
I feel dead inside today and I hope people haven't seen me crying. I want to go eat, but I know it's not the answer. I look and feel fat, my clothes don't fit but I keep eating to medicate myself. It's so stupid because it's antithetical to what my goal is - to be skinny again. I know I should be eating better foods that will make my body happier physically and weight-wise, but I just don't want to.
Something that worries me right now is that I have no interest in exercise. I don't want to swim tonight, I don't want to go to barre tomorrow and the thought of putting on yoga clothes in which I will look dumpy and awful (but not as dumpy and awful as I look in my bathing suit) makes we want to cry even more. Really all I want to do is eat and sleep, but I can't sleep because I'm supposed to be working, so I just eat.
Actually, I blame working out for getting me into this awful state I'm in because if I hadn't wanted to cure my body pain so I could train and race more I wouldn't have done the elimination diet and found out about all these foods I can't eat and I wouldn't have lost so much weight which set my vision for how I should look and I wouldn't have rebounded into being a horrible compulsive eater.
I'm so sad all the time these days, and I don't know what to do about it. I wonder "is this all there is, and if so, what's the point?" I try to be positive but I keep getting dragged down into the mire.
Oh, and now I've wasted my working time writing so I'll be at work late again tonight.
#mentalhealthmonth and all that jazz...
My long weekend was disappointing in so many ways: clashing personalities, unhappy with my swim, too much food talk, too much food, too much work. I had more meltdowns than one should have in 4 days of "vacation" over what I can/can't eat and should/shouldn't eat and being bossed around while bossing others around. I feel like I damaged relationships with my friends. :( Perhaps my toe polish color "Ride the Waves" was a harbinger the things that would transpire...
Now this week, I'm back into the frying pan at work. At times I feel like I could keep doing this job, other times I loathe having to come to work. I feel like I'm failing every day or that I will never exceed the bar. I feel bad for not wanting to work so many hours. I keep dropping balls. I don't think this job is the right fit, but I want to keep it for the prestige. Why? I don't know.
I feel dead inside today and I hope people haven't seen me crying. I want to go eat, but I know it's not the answer. I look and feel fat, my clothes don't fit but I keep eating to medicate myself. It's so stupid because it's antithetical to what my goal is - to be skinny again. I know I should be eating better foods that will make my body happier physically and weight-wise, but I just don't want to.
Something that worries me right now is that I have no interest in exercise. I don't want to swim tonight, I don't want to go to barre tomorrow and the thought of putting on yoga clothes in which I will look dumpy and awful (but not as dumpy and awful as I look in my bathing suit) makes we want to cry even more. Really all I want to do is eat and sleep, but I can't sleep because I'm supposed to be working, so I just eat.
Actually, I blame working out for getting me into this awful state I'm in because if I hadn't wanted to cure my body pain so I could train and race more I wouldn't have done the elimination diet and found out about all these foods I can't eat and I wouldn't have lost so much weight which set my vision for how I should look and I wouldn't have rebounded into being a horrible compulsive eater.
I'm so sad all the time these days, and I don't know what to do about it. I wonder "is this all there is, and if so, what's the point?" I try to be positive but I keep getting dragged down into the mire.
Oh, and now I've wasted my working time writing so I'll be at work late again tonight.
#mentalhealthmonth and all that jazz...
Monday, May 12, 2014
Why Can't I...
Stop eating?
Stop obsessing about eating?
Own up to the fact that I don't like my job?
Quit?
Stop beating myself up about the above?
I don't know why I think things are going to change if I keep doing the same things over and over again. Isn't that the definition of insanity?
I was so proud of myself for losing weight before my birthday, now I am ashamed of how I look because I've gained it all back. My body is wondering WTF I'm doing and my brain is constantly spinning.
I tried today to be healthy but couldn't say no to the coffee my boss offered to buy me, or to the chips sitting on my counter, or the cookies for that matter. I didn't eat ALL of them, but I'm sure I ate enough to maintain or gain weight.
I thought making all these changes in my life would make me happier and that then I'd lose weight but clearly I'm not doing something right. It seems like all this change hasn't been the magic bullet. Which makes me worry about making bigger changes like getting a new job or quitting Microsoft or moving back to CA or moving to Hawaii (I've been thinking about it a bit).
I hope that I can be normal again. Why can't I just make that happen now?
Stop obsessing about eating?
Own up to the fact that I don't like my job?
Quit?
Stop beating myself up about the above?
I don't know why I think things are going to change if I keep doing the same things over and over again. Isn't that the definition of insanity?
I was so proud of myself for losing weight before my birthday, now I am ashamed of how I look because I've gained it all back. My body is wondering WTF I'm doing and my brain is constantly spinning.
I tried today to be healthy but couldn't say no to the coffee my boss offered to buy me, or to the chips sitting on my counter, or the cookies for that matter. I didn't eat ALL of them, but I'm sure I ate enough to maintain or gain weight.
I thought making all these changes in my life would make me happier and that then I'd lose weight but clearly I'm not doing something right. It seems like all this change hasn't been the magic bullet. Which makes me worry about making bigger changes like getting a new job or quitting Microsoft or moving back to CA or moving to Hawaii (I've been thinking about it a bit).
I hope that I can be normal again. Why can't I just make that happen now?
F
Fraud
Fooling myself
Flabby
Fat
Fed up
Food obsessed
Faking it
Fearful
Feel bad
Fucked up
Fucking up
Flat out lazy
Flat out lame
Fully disgusted with my behaviors
Feeling sad about what I've become
Flagellating myself
Freaking out
F... the grade I'm giving myself for how I'm behaving, treating my body, lying to myself and to others, and making progress against so many of my goals.
I'm sorry if I'm letting people down. I'm sad I can't get my shit together. I want to go back to the old me, but I know I can't. I just keep going down the wrong path, keep making choices I know are wrong for me, bad for me, setting me back.
I'm angry and tired and I just want to pull the covers over my head and be alone. I am positive for others, and sometimes myself but even through I feel like I'm telling the truth to others, I feel like I'm lying to myself all the time. I hope those people don't see me and think I'm full of crap. Even though sometimes I feel like I am.
I'm confused and don't know what I want other than to stop thinking about food, to stop abusing food, to get control of my life again.
I don't even want to go to therapy anymore because I feel like it's just me being all talk and no action. I'm sort of embarrassed to go because I'm so stuck, keep going backwards when there's any movement at all.
I just want to stuff everything down with food. That's my real F-word.
F.
P.S. A good F-word this weekend... fuzz therapy.
Fooling myself
Flabby
Fat
Fed up
Food obsessed
Faking it
Fearful
Feel bad
Fucked up
Fucking up
Flat out lazy
Flat out lame
Fully disgusted with my behaviors
Feeling sad about what I've become
Flagellating myself
Freaking out
F... the grade I'm giving myself for how I'm behaving, treating my body, lying to myself and to others, and making progress against so many of my goals.
I'm sorry if I'm letting people down. I'm sad I can't get my shit together. I want to go back to the old me, but I know I can't. I just keep going down the wrong path, keep making choices I know are wrong for me, bad for me, setting me back.
I'm angry and tired and I just want to pull the covers over my head and be alone. I am positive for others, and sometimes myself but even through I feel like I'm telling the truth to others, I feel like I'm lying to myself all the time. I hope those people don't see me and think I'm full of crap. Even though sometimes I feel like I am.
I'm confused and don't know what I want other than to stop thinking about food, to stop abusing food, to get control of my life again.
I don't even want to go to therapy anymore because I feel like it's just me being all talk and no action. I'm sort of embarrassed to go because I'm so stuck, keep going backwards when there's any movement at all.
I just want to stuff everything down with food. That's my real F-word.
F.
P.S. A good F-word this weekend... fuzz therapy.
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