Suffering

My dad is succumbing to his cancer. He's in a hospice house right now because he got confused, agitated and unable to walk without assistance. He wants to come die at home, but I'm scared to have him here. I want to honor his wishes but I'm afraid I won't be able to do the things he needs done, even with a full-time CNA here. I don't want to watch the gross stuff that will happen, and I know I am not graceful or compassionate in the face of those things. I don't know what to do.

I know my stupid ED doesn't matter right now, nor should my weight but of course it's rearing its ugliness. Vacillating between not being able to eat and eating way too much. It's terrible. I know it's not good for my body which needs all the help it can get right now because I'm stressed out, sleep deprived and fighting a lingering cold.

I cry all the time, and wonder how my mom, sister and I are going to get through this. The little voice inside is me is yelling for help. I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand. I'm sad and angry, defeated and anxious. I feel like a terrible daughter to my father right now. This is exactly what he didn't want and I can't make it go away.

I'm not ready

My dad's health seems to be taking another downward turn. More pain, more sleeping, and most worrying, a sudden onset of confusion and inability to process logically. He can't figure out his medication box anymore, which is really worrying since last week he was able to.

I'm totally freaked out right now (2:23 a.m.) because an hour ago he tried to get into bed with me and when I told him he was in the wrong place, he insisted he was in the right place. When I led him into his bedroom, it was almost like he was in a trance. He complained of pain but couldn't tell me where it hurt.

I called the hospice people and the on call nurse said this is a sign of the last stages of life but that you don't know how long this stage will last.

I'm not ready to lose him but I don't know if I'm capable of taking care of him like this. I'm so bad with illness, bodily fluids, etc. I don't want to change diapers, I don't want to deal with bedpans. I thought that's what hospice did, but apparently not. I don't want to remember my dad this way.

I wish we had planned better. I thought we had but now I'm in a panic. I need help and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of what's coming next. I don't know if I'll be able to get through this.

UGH how much more do we have to deal with??

Just got a call from my sister, in tears. She's in huge conflict with her husband, worried about her future. She's worried about supporting herself, going bankrupt, her stuff, not having anywhere to live or anyway to support herself. She needs money and a plan. I can do the money, sure, but the plan is another thing. I can figure something out I'm sure, but it just feels like so much on top of everything else. When will life stop slamming our family with all this stuff? Why can't we just have one thing to deal with? I suppose that's unrealistic, but juggling all this crud at once just seems so hard, so unfair. I guess I'm meant to learn resilience, coping skills, compartmentalization, etc. It just feels so overwhelming at times.

Stubborn

My mother is so stubborn it drives me crazy. I have to let go of the outcome because most of it really doesn't matter. But the problem is it makes me angry and that makes me want to overeat. Argh. I'm really stubborn too, kind of like how I refuse to stop eating to smother my feelings. Even though my weight is going up, my face is fat, how I'm getting double chin. Yuck. In the meantime, my mom is so skinny I can practically see through her. Which also makes me mad. Ugh. I miss being that skinny.

BTW, funny saying I just heard on The Big Bang Theory: "Right through the ears and straight to the feelings...." In my case, it's right through the ears and straight to the stomach.

I don't get it

I can make myself tough it out for a hard workout, I can make myself finish a hard ocean swim race, I can make myself get up to go workout (ok, not all of the time). But I can't get myself to stop eating too much or stuff I'm not supposed to eat. I don't understand why.

I keep vacillating between "it's ok" and "for god's sake stop already". I try to give myself compassion but I hate the way I look and how my clothes (don't) fit. I am envious of super thin and fit people, but I keep poking food in my piehole.

It makes no sense.

Oh, and now I'm sick. First time in over a year, I think. Not good timing. I have a tough week of work coming up, I'm flying a bunch Th/Fr and I'm doing the Bay to Breakers next weekend. I get that my body is trying to tell me something. I just don't want to hear it. I don't have time to slow down, sleep more or rest. My dad is dying, my mom is going batty, work is heating up and I need to be present to help and be a stable force.

Ok, off to cook dinner. I'm not even hungry but I'm sure I'll eat anyway. :(

Strange behavior

My stomach has been hurting the past couple days, abdomen bloated, and guts all in a twist. You'd think I'd avoid food. But no, I eat more.

I can't seem to get to bed without eating ice cream and something carby every night. Sometimes some peanut butter too. The crazy all out binge has been held at bay but I'm always stuffing 500-600 extra calories in my face every night.

I'm tired and know sleep deprivation causes overeating and added fat, but I never go to bed before 1:00. I rarely get more than 6 hrs of sleep.

I want everyone to be nice to each other and be happy, when what we're dealing with is definitely not happy. But I guess I think my dad's illness is so hard to watch that any added ickiness just makes everyone feel worse.

I came to help my parents but I've been unwilling to stop working other than to meet with the hospice people. I won't drive my parents places during the day, but I'll take my sister to the airport mid-morning.

Ok, time to go to bed. More meetings, more angst about my parents' precarious health, and more non-stop thinking about food tomorrow! oh joy!

With apologies to Robert Palmer

My lights are on, but I'm not home
My mind is not my own
My heart sweats, my body shakes
Another piece of toast is what it takes

I won't sleep, I want to eat
There's no doubt, I'm in deep
My heart is sad, I try to breathe
Another chip is what I need

Whoa, I like to think that I can say no to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say I can't get enough
I know I'm gonna have to face it, I'm addicted to food

I see the signs, but I don't heed
I'm stuffing down a different need
My spoon dips in double time
Another scoop and I'll be fine, a quiet mind?

I can't be saved
More food is all I crave
If there's some left I'll chew
I do mind if I do

Whoa, I like to think that I'm immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say I can't get enough
I know I'm gonna have to face it, I'm addicted to food

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food

My lights are on, but I'm not home
My will is not my own
My palms sweat and teeth grind
Another chip and I'll be fine

Whoa, I like to think that I'm immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say I can't get enough
I know I'm gonna have to face it, I'm addicted to food

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food

Family Dynamics

Every time I think things are going to "Pan Out" with the family, there's some big blow up and things get all wonky again. My sister is in an angry mood and apparently got into a huge fight with my mom over dinner. Then she got into a huge fight with my dad after dinner. Now she says she is planning on leaving and not coming back, vs. coming back after I leave. Throws a little wrench in the works because I don't think my parents should be alone but I also need time to be at home, both to get my maintenance done and to de-stress a little bit.

Right now she's looking at places on Maui so she can go back and forth supposedly. All I know is that I shouldn't spend more time looking for places to live with her because she's so mercurial about everything right now.

Yes, all of this makes me want to go eat. It also makes me want to sleep but I can't because she's in my room on the computer. Oh well... such is life. Ups and downs, going around on the merry-go-round....

Why can't we be a normal family

Just spent an unpleasant afternoon with my sister going through my dad's medications. I was stressed because I wanted to be working - I have lots to do. She was crabby because she's mad at Hawaiian Airlines and her doctors and wants to go home. We're both upset that we have to be doing this while watching our dad decline and mom as well. It's tough.

I want to eat right now, although I think what I really need is sleep. In the last week I've gotten less than 6 hours of sleep a night except for one. I'm trying to work out because I'm chubbing it out there dog.

I'm still sort of binge-y at night but not too horrible. I hope I can keep making progress on that front. I know I need to practice other tools but it seems so hard sometimes. It's easier to just poke yummy things in my mouth.

I know things are going to get worse as the months go on so I need to practice better behaviors (food-wise and family-wise). I'm going to have to be vigilant about work - in carving out the time I need to do it, only doing things that are important and time sensitive and also saying when it's too much.

I need to take better care of my body so I can help care for my parents. And myself.