Stress or Passion?

I miss my old team. I feel like I made such a big mistake coming to this job. But now I’d feel like a failure if I went back, like I couldn’t hack this job. Yes, I know I need to not be a victim and turn that into a more fwd looking statement like “I realized this job didn’t fit my strengths or passions.” I just wish I could go back six months with the knowledge I have now and take the job as a team manager instead of having done this to myself.

 

Some days I feel like I can do it, like I want it, like this will take me places I didn't know I could go. Other days I want to crawl back into bed and cry. Or I just cry in my office. I don't think change and learning and growth should have to be so painful. No wonder I have a fixed mindset. Whenever I'm in "growth" mode it makes me so stressed out and angst ridden that growing isn't pleasurable.

 

When I liken it to sports (one of my passions), I remind myself that often times pain is involved. The difference is it's self-chosen and I get to decide when I stop. At work, I can't tell my boss that I'm not going to finish that presentation he has to deliver tomorrow in front of 1,000 people because I need my beauty sleep or that working on it makes me stress eat and I hate being fat so I can't deal with it.

 

I feel weak admitting that I don't have the desire to be the super responsive, always on, hard driving Type A, ladder climbing person that Microsoft professes to want these days. Our CEO says if you aren't "all in" then you should leave. So then how do I tell my manager that I don't think this is the right job for me? If I'm "all in" shouldn't I be willing to do anything they ask me to do?

 

This stupid "What kind of cat are you" quiz pretty much nailed me:

 

Except for the hugs. I'm not so into those.

But really, I just want life to be pretty easy, to enjoy new and different experiences, and to challenge myself in the way I want to challenge myself. Yes, I am an Ironman, and perhaps I can suffer through this but can't I choose to not suffer? I'm going to have to deal with things that I can't control that make me suffer soon enough.

Ok, now I've spent 20 minutes writing instead of working and I have to pee again so that's another 10 minutes down the drain. Looking like another late night tonight....

Highs today:
-Giving friends at work little presents made me happy.