I woke up this morning and I could barely move: literally and figuratively. Literally because I took a class this weekend where we did tons of squats and I can hardly walk; I can't even roll over in bed. Figuratively because I have an crushing sadness that feels like a boulder on my chest. I have no desire to go to work, no desire to communicate with anyone, no desire to keep moving forward. I go through the motions because it's what I have to do to even have a semblance of hope that I won't keep dropping deliverables at work. But I'm just barely keeping up.
I keep trying to make changes and they just feel crappy and bad and I want to know when they will feel good and right and make me happy. I'm tired of crying all the time, I'm tired of feeling like I'm making my life worse, not better. I'm tired of life being hard. But I guess it just is.
My appetite has gone away, and I wish that meant I could lose weight, but I still medicate with food. I can't figure out what else to do - I wish I could sleep more but that would mean less work time.
Time for a conference call. I wonder if they will hear the deadness in my voice.
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