I can't help myself

Today was the first day of the 2nd round of the Sneakers challenge which helped me to lost 15 pounds. Now that I've put 10 of those back on in the last two weeks from binge eating every night, I was hoping that the kick off would get me back on track.

It didn't.

I got through dinner within my calorie limit for the day but then proceeded to binge 1500 more calories into my mouth.

And other than being frustrated with my mom, I had no real reason to eat. And every reason to go to bed since I've been sleeping like crap and have a long swim race tomorrow.

Bur I guess looking back at today, I was depressed because the weather sucked and my sister didn't come today. Plus I thought about how I don't want to go home but I don't want to stay here with my mom because it makes me sad and mad to deal with her. And I was going to start IOP at Ai Pono but they are putting it off and then what's the point because I have to go home. Furthermore I am taunted by the women in my other challenge who are all skinny and ripped and love to post pictures of themselves in their underwear.

Two weeks ago I was proud of myself, my body.... I was looking forward to getting more fit, ripped and ready for the Dawg Dash. What happened?

I need help but I don't know that is.

Frustrated Francesca

It's been ages since I've written. I want to say that I suck, but I know part of my problem is that I have low self esteem and I'm mean to myself.

Anyway, after having good success with Sneakers - despite my weekend bingeing, I managed to lose 17 lbs! - I have been eating my head off for the last week. I've gained back 7 lbs, make myself feel sick eating on a regular basis, and keep beating myself doing the "last supper/I'll start anew" tomorrow thing. It sucks.

I'm frustrated with my mom, which makes me eat.
I'm frustrated that I can't eat what I want, which makes me eat.
I'm frustrated that I can't change (my eating, my work, my life).
I'm frustrated that I can make myself work out but not stop eating.
I'm frustrated that I like food so much.

I feel like I have no way to change and sometimes I don't want to change. But ultimately I do. I love being thin and fit and being proud of my body.  (I wish I had as much dedication to my job.)

I feel like no one can help me no matter how much therapy I do, who I talk to, or how many coping skills/distractions/mindfulness techniques I try. I just end up back with my face in the fridge.

Someday it will change. I just wish it were sooner rather than later.

I'm tired of being frustrated with myself all the time.

Food Drunk

I was doing so well with my food after joining the Sneakers program. Managed to lose over 10 lbs and was looking pretty good. Wasn't bingeing, exercising more consistently, eating pretty healthily.

Then something happened.

I have been eating 3000-4000 calories a day, mostly at night. Stuffing myself until I feel sick. Never feeling satisfied with the food I'm eating. I can't make myself stop.

It's like I'm some horrible alcoholic. I've even put myself into a food stupor. Fallen asleep on the couch, on top of my bed and then woken up and gone back to the kitchen to eat more.

Every day I promise myself I'll be better today and then - like today - I blow it by eating a bag of chips at lunch, forbidden sweets stuff like maple-covered pecans, and then doing the classic "well I fucked it up already so..." and there I am like an alkie running to the liquor store for another bottle of hooch.

It makes me sad and angry that I can't figure out how to not abuse food. Not to abuse my body, my self, my psyche, my soul. I'm angry at myself, punishing myself.

I read an article that said I need to figure out the cause of the anger so I can address it. Here's where it's stemming from, I think:

- Still angry about my food sensitivities
- Angry I have to be here instead of at home
- Angry that my dad died, especially that he died before my mom did
- Angry that my mom is like a shell of her former self; memory problems, walks like a really old lady, eats like an old person... sounds mean I know but I hate seeing it
- Angry that my sister isn't fully functioning so she can help more
- Angry that I can't stop using food to cope
- Angry that I can't be more compassionate with my mom
- Angry that I'm not better at juggling everything
- Angry that my friends and family can't help me right now.

There's no reason for me to keep eating, logically it flies in the face of everything I'm trying to accomplish. But the chemicals feel good in my body, the taste is lovely on my tongue, and the satisfaction I get from feel stuffed is better than the "ehn" feeling I'm having most of the time.

I miss my old self. Not preoccupied with food, fit and happier with life.

When did I become such a horrible addict?  :p

Super Angry

After a kinda crappy night of sleep, I had a pretty decent morning and then everything went to shit. Super angry all day. Yelling at my mom, banging the steering wheel, losing my cool even after reminding myself to be compassionate.

I was really hungry and totally angry ate way too much salad, plowed through chocolate and really really want to eat the carrot cake lurking in the fridge.

I can't decide whether to stay at home, go sit in the hot tub and go to bed early - ignoring all the "to dos" I have on my list - or go to the movies with my sister - still ignoring my to dos - or lie on the couch and watch TV then go do the things I need to do.

I hate days like this where I don't get to work out, don't get to shower, and feel grumpy all day.

I need to take drugs or I'm going to start eating the house. Wait, I'm already eating the house. I looked at myself in the mirror today and I'm so fat and blobby and full of cellulite. I am so gross. But I just want to keep eating. I don't care enough to stop.

Good days, bad nights

The last two days have been a mixture of fun and kinda bad bingeing. Sis and I didn't eat well the last two days while we were on our island tour, and nights are stressful with my mom so that leads to too much ice cream and/or grazing.

I realized tonight as I was chowing down on my second helping of ice cream (with PB, very satisfying) that my dad's ashes were "watching me". It made me feel bad. I never wanted him to see how I used food and there I was just eating away. I realize he's not really seeing me but my conscious got the better of me.

Things are VERY stressful here with everything going on so the nighttime eating has been pretty yucky late. I hope to get things under control soon.

Suffering

My dad is succumbing to his cancer. He's in a hospice house right now because he got confused, agitated and unable to walk without assistance. He wants to come die at home, but I'm scared to have him here. I want to honor his wishes but I'm afraid I won't be able to do the things he needs done, even with a full-time CNA here. I don't want to watch the gross stuff that will happen, and I know I am not graceful or compassionate in the face of those things. I don't know what to do.

I know my stupid ED doesn't matter right now, nor should my weight but of course it's rearing its ugliness. Vacillating between not being able to eat and eating way too much. It's terrible. I know it's not good for my body which needs all the help it can get right now because I'm stressed out, sleep deprived and fighting a lingering cold.

I cry all the time, and wonder how my mom, sister and I are going to get through this. The little voice inside is me is yelling for help. I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand. I'm sad and angry, defeated and anxious. I feel like a terrible daughter to my father right now. This is exactly what he didn't want and I can't make it go away.

I'm not ready

My dad's health seems to be taking another downward turn. More pain, more sleeping, and most worrying, a sudden onset of confusion and inability to process logically. He can't figure out his medication box anymore, which is really worrying since last week he was able to.

I'm totally freaked out right now (2:23 a.m.) because an hour ago he tried to get into bed with me and when I told him he was in the wrong place, he insisted he was in the right place. When I led him into his bedroom, it was almost like he was in a trance. He complained of pain but couldn't tell me where it hurt.

I called the hospice people and the on call nurse said this is a sign of the last stages of life but that you don't know how long this stage will last.

I'm not ready to lose him but I don't know if I'm capable of taking care of him like this. I'm so bad with illness, bodily fluids, etc. I don't want to change diapers, I don't want to deal with bedpans. I thought that's what hospice did, but apparently not. I don't want to remember my dad this way.

I wish we had planned better. I thought we had but now I'm in a panic. I need help and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of what's coming next. I don't know if I'll be able to get through this.