Timely

My highlights in... highlighter color. I'm trying to embrace these things.


http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/03/19/10-things-to-remember-when-you-feel-lost-and-alone/


Here are some things to keep in mind when you feel lost and alone:

1.  You are not alone in being alone.

So many of us are fighting the same exact battle alongside you.  We are all in this together.  So no matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, know that there are others out there experiencing the same emotions.  When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” it’s just your worried mind trying to sell you a lie.  There’s always someone who can relate to you.  Perhaps you can’t immediately talk to them, but they are out there, and that’s all you need to know right now.

2.  Sometimes when you’re lonely, you need to be alone.

Sometimes you need to be alone, not to be lonely, but to enjoy a little free time just being yourself and finding your way.  In other words, the moments you feel lonely are the moments you may most need to be by yourself.  This is one of life’s cruelest ironies.


We need solitude, because when we’re alone we’re detached from obligations, we don’t need to put on a show, and we can hear our own thoughts and feel what our intuition is telling us.  And the truth is, throughout your life there will be times when the world gets real quiet and the only thing left is the beat of your own heart.  So you’d better learn the sound of it, otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s telling you.  (Read Quiet: The Power of Introverts.)

3.  You have to be a little lost first to find what you’re looking for.

Not until you are lost in this world can you begin to find your best path.  Realizing you are lost is the first step to living the life you want.  The second step is leaving the life you don’t want.  Making a big life change is pretty scary.  But you know what’s even scarier?  Regret.


I can tell you from my own life experience that I’ve found love, lost it, found it, lost it and then I found it once again.  But each time what I found was more incredible than the last.  So remember that everyone suffers in life at some point.  Everyone feels lost sometimes.  The key is using your experiences to grow.  When you apply what you’re learning to your future choices and actions, you move forward not backward.  You become stronger and wiser.  It’s not easy, but it’s worth it in the end.

4.  It’s all about accepting the reality of what is.

You cannot find peace by avoiding life.  Life spins with unexpected changes; so instead of avoiding it, take every change and experience as a challenge for growth.  Either it will give you what you want or it will teach you what the next step is.  And remember, finding peace in life does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, no challenges, and no hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things while remaining calm in your heart.


Honestly, life is too short to spend at war with yourself.  The biggest disappointments in our lives are often the result of misplaced expectations.  Letting go of needless expectations is your first step to happiness.  Come from a mindset of peace and acceptance, and you can deal with almost anything and grow beyond it.

5.  In every situation, YOU choose your attitude.

Be determined to be positive.  Understand that the greater part of your misery or unhappiness is determined not by your circumstances, but by your attitude.  A happy person is not a person who’s always in a good situation, but rather a person who always has a good attitude in every situation.  So smile at those who often try to begrudge or hurt you; show them what’s missing in their life and what they can’t take away from you.  Doing so doesn’t mean forgetting or giving in, it means you choose happiness over hurt.  (Read Buddha’s Brain.)

6.  Being alone does not mean you are lonely, and being lonely does not mean you are alone.

The trouble is not always in being alone; it’s being lonely in the presence of others.  One can be lonely in the midst of a crowd.  Wouldn’t you agree?  So keep this in mind and choose your relationships wisely.  It’s always better to be alone than to be in bad company.  And when you do decide to come back for someone, do so because you’re truly better off with this person.  Don’t do it just for the sake not being alone.

7.  Everyone you care about does NOT need to support your decisions.

Friends and family won’t always support your goals, but you must pursue them anyway.  Follow your intuition.  Following your intuition means doing what feels right, even if it doesn’t look or sound right to others.  Only time will tell, but our human instincts are rarely wrong.  Even if things don’t turn out as you anticipated, at least you won’t have to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.  So don’t worry about what everyone else thinks; just keep living and speaking your truth.




Ultimately, you know you’re on the right track in life when you become uninterested in looking back, and eager to take the next step, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

8.  You are not who you used to be, and that’s OK.

You’ve been hurt; you’ve gone through numerous ups and downs that have made you who you are today.  Over the years, so many things have happened – things that have changed your perspective, taught you lessons, and forced your spirit to grow.  As time passes, nobody stays the same, but some people will still tell you that you have changed.  Respond to them by saying, “Of course I’ve changed.  That’s what life is all about.  I’m still the same human being, just a little stronger now than I ever was before.”

9.  The best you can do changes from day to day.

Always do your best.  And realize that “your best” is going to change repeatedly.  For instance, it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.


Under any circumstance, simply do your best in the present moment and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.  And remember that no matter what’s happening, you can efficiently fight the battles of just today.  It’s only when you add the battles of those two abysmal eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that life gets overwhelmingly complicated.  It’s necessary, therefore, to let yourself live just one day at a time – just today – just right here, right now.  And do the best you can in it. 

10.  It all matters in the end – every step, every regret, every smile, and every struggle.

The seemingly useless happenings add up to something.  The minimum wage job you had in high school.  The evenings you spent socializing with colleagues you never see anymore.  The hours you spent writing thoughts on a personal blog that no one reads.  Contemplations about elaborate future plans that never came to be.  All those lonely nights spent reading novels and news columns and comics strips and fashion magazines and questioning your own principles on life and sex and religion and whether or not you’re good enough just the way you are.  All of this has strengthened you.  All of this has led you to every success you’ve ever had.  All of this has made you who you are today.

Bad Dream

I keep hoping I'll wake up and this will all have been a bad dream. The last two years, my ED, being too skinny, feeling too fat, taking this job that feels like it's ruined my life. I'm so angry at myself for having made all these changes in my life that have taken me down bad paths. No wonder I'm so change averse.

I can't believe I took this job when I had another opportunity available that would have been so much better for me. But I listened to the voices (in my head and other people's) that said I should strive for more, that this was such a great opportunity, that this would get me off my butt and unstuck. All it's done is made me miserable.

I'm looking for a way out. Right now the options don't seem great though. Maybe I'll just have a real mid-life crisis and quit.

But I'm sure I'd hate that too.

I really don't know what to do. I feel powerless.

Oh, right, I'm supposed write a high each time I write. I guess for today it's having lunch with my former creative director. He's cool.

Suffering doesn't feel optional

Work sucks
Life sucks
Tears keep rolling down my cheeks

I don't whether to not eat
Or to eat a lot
Or maybe just eat to survive

Change is hard they say, but worth it in the end
I hope so
Because right now it just feels awful
And I don't know to what end

That Dead Feeling

I woke up this morning and I could barely move: literally and figuratively. Literally because I took a class this weekend where we did tons of squats and I can hardly walk; I can't even roll over in bed. Figuratively because I have an crushing sadness that feels like a boulder on my chest. I have no desire to go to work, no desire to communicate with anyone, no desire to keep moving forward. I go through the motions because it's what I have to do to even have a semblance of hope that I won't keep dropping deliverables at work. But I'm just barely keeping up.


I keep trying to make changes and they just feel crappy and bad and I want to know when they will feel good and right and make me happy. I'm tired of crying all the time, I'm tired of feeling like I'm making my life worse, not better. I'm tired of life being hard. But I guess it just is.


My appetite has gone away, and I wish that meant I could lose weight, but I still medicate with food. I can't figure out what else to do - I wish I could sleep more but that would mean less work time.


Time for a conference call. I wonder if they will hear the deadness in my voice.

Not Afraid

I did it. I told my manager that the job wasn't playing to my strengths, that it didn't feel like a fit, that I thought I might want...need... to do something else. And he was totally supportive. In a way that made me feel valued as an employee and a person.


I have to think about what to do next, but the door has been opened. I feel like a weight has been lifted.


Phew...I took a chance and it went just fine. The funny thing is I look back at my career and the times I took chances like this, showed my true self, it has seemed to pay off.


Of course, the gremlin is on my shoulder:  why would I give up my manager because he is just that good at being respectful and helpful... why punt the opportunity before me which is huge and wide open...why wouldn't I want to say I work directly for the Chief Marketing Officer of a Fortune 500 company? ?But I know that it hasn't made me happy and probably won't get any better as the org gets bigger, the problems get more complex, and the scrutiny gets that much more laser-focused.


So I have to brush the gremlin off my shoulder.  And I have to be courageous and take the next step. And the next and the next and the next...


My theme song today:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s


And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!

Feeling the Fear

Had a long conversation with a friend who is a life coach about why I'm afraid to be my authentic self, to tell my manager how I'm really feeling about my job.


And then this popped into my inbox (under the header 8 Things You Should Never Give Up):


The courage and willingness to experiment with life.
To live a great life, you must lose your fear of being wrong. Remember that doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Even when things don’t work out, they do. Because in the end, experience is what you get when you didn’t get exactly what you wanted, and experience is often the most valuable thing you have to give.


So don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. Don’t let someone scare you out of failing forward. All of life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. Either you will succeed or you will learn the next best step. Win-win.


Tomorrow is my mid-year review. I hope I have the courage to face my fears and learn to fail fast so I can move on with making my life happier and more fulfilling...and more me. 

Stress or Passion?

I miss my old team. I feel like I made such a big mistake coming to this job. But now I’d feel like a failure if I went back, like I couldn’t hack this job. Yes, I know I need to not be a victim and turn that into a more fwd looking statement like “I realized this job didn’t fit my strengths or passions.” I just wish I could go back six months with the knowledge I have now and take the job as a team manager instead of having done this to myself.

 

Some days I feel like I can do it, like I want it, like this will take me places I didn't know I could go. Other days I want to crawl back into bed and cry. Or I just cry in my office. I don't think change and learning and growth should have to be so painful. No wonder I have a fixed mindset. Whenever I'm in "growth" mode it makes me so stressed out and angst ridden that growing isn't pleasurable.

 

When I liken it to sports (one of my passions), I remind myself that often times pain is involved. The difference is it's self-chosen and I get to decide when I stop. At work, I can't tell my boss that I'm not going to finish that presentation he has to deliver tomorrow in front of 1,000 people because I need my beauty sleep or that working on it makes me stress eat and I hate being fat so I can't deal with it.

 

I feel weak admitting that I don't have the desire to be the super responsive, always on, hard driving Type A, ladder climbing person that Microsoft professes to want these days. Our CEO says if you aren't "all in" then you should leave. So then how do I tell my manager that I don't think this is the right job for me? If I'm "all in" shouldn't I be willing to do anything they ask me to do?

 

This stupid "What kind of cat are you" quiz pretty much nailed me:

 

Except for the hugs. I'm not so into those.

But really, I just want life to be pretty easy, to enjoy new and different experiences, and to challenge myself in the way I want to challenge myself. Yes, I am an Ironman, and perhaps I can suffer through this but can't I choose to not suffer? I'm going to have to deal with things that I can't control that make me suffer soon enough.

Ok, now I've spent 20 minutes writing instead of working and I have to pee again so that's another 10 minutes down the drain. Looking like another late night tonight....

Highs today:
-Giving friends at work little presents made me happy.

"You can sleep when you're dead"

When will I learn? Listen to the signs? Heed my inner voice?


I posted this to my FB tonight:
I wonder how much longer I can swing this getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night thing before I turn into a big pile of goo...


Then I got a Dr. Weil article in Hotmail with "4 Ways to Take Control of My Life":

1. If you find that the demands on your time are overwhelming, don't be afraid to politely say "no" when someone asks you to do something.
2. Don't feel guilty. No one person can do it all, so learn your limits and be satisfied with them.
3. Be a little selfish once in a while by scheduling "me time" - it will help keep you grounded and in touch with your thoughts and feelings.
4. Take time to enjoy the little things. Read a book, start an art project, work in the garden or treat yourself to a massage.

Of course, I find myself rebutting the list:


1. Hard to say "no" to the boss who just got a HUGE promotion, is sleeping 3 hours a night, and still manages to answer every email, be fresh in meetings, and have a smile on his face.


2. See #1.


3. I'm trying, but with parents in town, personal obligations and just doing the stuff of life... um, NO.


4. Maybe I can do a little bit of that this weekend. I hope.


I feel gross because I'm so sleep deprived. When you're sleep deprived you gain weight. Being sleep deprived is bad for you. So why can't I just say "no" and go back to a life of normal sleep, normal eating and normal me?


Well, at least for the last few days I haven't been eating everything in sight. Only some things. Of course, my stomach and guts feel terrible most of the time, so maybe that's why.


Highs:
-good feedback from my boss on a document I wrote
-listening to Pharrell Williams songs


Now that I've written this, I'm going to get less than 4 hours of sleep. Oy.

Numbers

40 regrets you don't want to have in 40 years:  http://bit.ly/1eKaxIf


Here are the ones speaking to me right now:


3
4
5
7
10
12
13
15
22
23
25
26
27
29
30
34
37
39
40


I really need to work on #3 and #5 right now. Tick tock, tick tock...