I can't help myself

Today was the first day of the 2nd round of the Sneakers challenge which helped me to lost 15 pounds. Now that I've put 10 of those back on in the last two weeks from binge eating every night, I was hoping that the kick off would get me back on track.

It didn't.

I got through dinner within my calorie limit for the day but then proceeded to binge 1500 more calories into my mouth.

And other than being frustrated with my mom, I had no real reason to eat. And every reason to go to bed since I've been sleeping like crap and have a long swim race tomorrow.

Bur I guess looking back at today, I was depressed because the weather sucked and my sister didn't come today. Plus I thought about how I don't want to go home but I don't want to stay here with my mom because it makes me sad and mad to deal with her. And I was going to start IOP at Ai Pono but they are putting it off and then what's the point because I have to go home. Furthermore I am taunted by the women in my other challenge who are all skinny and ripped and love to post pictures of themselves in their underwear.

Two weeks ago I was proud of myself, my body.... I was looking forward to getting more fit, ripped and ready for the Dawg Dash. What happened?

I need help but I don't know that is.

Frustrated Francesca

It's been ages since I've written. I want to say that I suck, but I know part of my problem is that I have low self esteem and I'm mean to myself.

Anyway, after having good success with Sneakers - despite my weekend bingeing, I managed to lose 17 lbs! - I have been eating my head off for the last week. I've gained back 7 lbs, make myself feel sick eating on a regular basis, and keep beating myself doing the "last supper/I'll start anew" tomorrow thing. It sucks.

I'm frustrated with my mom, which makes me eat.
I'm frustrated that I can't eat what I want, which makes me eat.
I'm frustrated that I can't change (my eating, my work, my life).
I'm frustrated that I can make myself work out but not stop eating.
I'm frustrated that I like food so much.

I feel like I have no way to change and sometimes I don't want to change. But ultimately I do. I love being thin and fit and being proud of my body.  (I wish I had as much dedication to my job.)

I feel like no one can help me no matter how much therapy I do, who I talk to, or how many coping skills/distractions/mindfulness techniques I try. I just end up back with my face in the fridge.

Someday it will change. I just wish it were sooner rather than later.

I'm tired of being frustrated with myself all the time.