Thursday, July 31, 2014
Crap
I was doing pretty good this week, but with lots of body issues - not about how I look but how I feel. My stomach hurts, I itch, my mouth hurts, I feel out of it and tired. These are all the things that went away when I was on the elimination diet, and I'm depressed that I'm going to have to restrict what I eat even more than I do now. It makes me sad, and it makes me eat. Which is stupid because that's what makes me feel cruddy and makes me fat. So now I'm mad at myself for eating an entire container of pad thai when I wasn't even really hungry in the first place. And now I feel like I'm going to have to eat salad all day tomorrow, all weekend to make up for it. Or I have to exercise all day. Which makes my back hurt, which makes me think I need to cut out a bunch of foods. And then it starts all over again...
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Sinking
I've fallen in the hole again. Hard, deep, scratched up and dirty.
I spent the last week working my ass off, feeling inadequate, eating to combat stress, sleep deprivation, and feelings.
I hate my body - how it looks, how it feels. I hate my mind for not being more in control, for constantly chattering at me. I'm mad at myself for being weak - why can't I go back to not eating things that are bad for me and make me fat? I'm mad at people who are thinner than I am, who have control over what they put in their mouths, who don't have to worry about what goes in their systems. I'm angry that I can't make a decision about my job. It makes me suffer, but I can't let go of the opportunity, the prestige, the feeling that if I quit that I am the loser. I'm angry that I can't change my life for it to be the way I want.
People think my life is awesome - working for the Chief Marketing Office of a Fortune 100 company, seeing Lady Gaga in concert, diving with whale sharks. I guess I'm good at PR. Because I just feel like I'm sinking...
I spent the last week working my ass off, feeling inadequate, eating to combat stress, sleep deprivation, and feelings.
I hate my body - how it looks, how it feels. I hate my mind for not being more in control, for constantly chattering at me. I'm mad at myself for being weak - why can't I go back to not eating things that are bad for me and make me fat? I'm mad at people who are thinner than I am, who have control over what they put in their mouths, who don't have to worry about what goes in their systems. I'm angry that I can't make a decision about my job. It makes me suffer, but I can't let go of the opportunity, the prestige, the feeling that if I quit that I am the loser. I'm angry that I can't change my life for it to be the way I want.
People think my life is awesome - working for the Chief Marketing Office of a Fortune 100 company, seeing Lady Gaga in concert, diving with whale sharks. I guess I'm good at PR. Because I just feel like I'm sinking...
I am slowing down
As the years go by
I am sinking
As the years go by
I am sinking
So I trick myself
Like everybody else
Like everybody else
The secrets I hide
They twist me inside
They make me weaker
They twist me inside
They make me weaker
So I trick myself
Like everybody else
Like everybody else
So I trick myself
Like everybody else
Like everybody else
I crouch in fear and wait
I'll never feel again
Only I could, only I could
If only I could remember
Anything at all
I'll never feel again
Only I could, only I could
If only I could remember
Anything at all
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