The Struggle

Lately it's been a struggle...
to keep my chin up
to want to work out
to get myself to work
to not feel like a failure
to not hate my body
to not hate myself
to make decisions
to power through

It was beautiful yesterday and I just felt hollow most of the day.

I desperately want to get out of my job but I also want to prove I can do it.
I don't want to eat but I also want to medicate myself with food.
I want to stay in bed all day but I know that's not the answer.

Everything feels like a struggle in my brain, going back and forth, back and forth.

Crying in a coffee shop is not how I wanted to start today but here I am, tears falling onto my freshly laundered clothes waiting to become salty rings showing my weakness and turmoil.

I'm supposed to see my therapist but someone scheduled a meeting over it.
I'm supposed to be working but I'm writing instead.
I'm supposed to be excited about my birthday on Friday, my trip CA but I don't really care about either right now.

I'm tired of feeling so conflicted, so sad, so stupid, so weak.
I'm just tired.

I feel like I can't talk to any of my friends because none of them get all the intricacies of my issues.
I don't want to burden my family with my problems, and when I do I sometimes get yelled at.

I wish I could take back the last 6 months, the last 2.5 years. I feel like I've ruined my life in so many ways. I used to be happier. What happened to me?

I pretend that I'm positive.
I pretend that I care about work.
I just pretend to be someone I'm not and I guess that is the problem.

Back to the struggle...