I'm Trying

I've needed to write for a while, composed things in my head but haven't gotten them on to paper, er, digital paper, that is.

Birthday was good. I was at a weight I liked, it was sunny, time spent with my sister was good, having friends around me was nice.

Since then it's gone a little wonky. I've been having periods of crushing sadness. I feel like I'm out of control again.

I'd promised myself that my "Spa-liday" would focus on spa-like food  - salads, fruits, veggies, etc.- so I could keep losing weight. I try to order the right things, but there's also been lots of chocolate, desserts, dim sum and drinks. Not exactly spa fare. Or I eat way too much of the healthy stuff. Of course, I'm disappointed in these behaviors and I keep making promises about "tomorrow".  Then I say "Oh, just eat what you want since you're on vacation." But that makes me feel guilty too. I keep hoping that the swimming and classes I've been doing are going to offset the calories but I know they won't. I'm trying to give myself a break but it's very hard to be ok with on-the-border binge eating.

I have been seeing lots of super skinny athletic people at Masters, at those classes and in the hot tubs at the hotels and I'm jealous of them. I used to look like that. I want to look like that again. But I don't have the discipline to do it. I look at my body in the full length mirrors at the hotels and I try to tell myself that I look good, healthy if a tiny bit overweight, like a female. But deep down I don't like the way I look and I'm sad. So I eat to fill my emptiness with food, trying to overcome my sadness with things that make my taste buds happy.

I'm also super stressed about work. I hate feeling like I have to check in on work every day. I am worried about being ready for big things that might happen tomorrow and next week. I resent feeling like I'm "on call" and that I can't just check out for a week and enjoy downtime. So I eat when probably what I should do is quit. But I can't seem to make myself. I feel weak and like a loser because I don't want this big job.

Another thing that stresses me out is spending time with my parents. I love being with them but they also cause me angst because my mother is slowly declining mentally and physically and my dad's condition is in flux. I try to take it one day at a time and relish in the good moments but I future think too much and always project to "what happens when Dad dies and we have to take care of Mom". It tires me mentally, and then I just want to run away.

But being myself isn't great either. I wanted to be all bad ass and do this solo vacation but now I'm lonely, surrounded by couples and groups of friends and I wish I'd stayed in the Bay Area instead of coming to Napa. Drinking by myself seems really dumb now. I'm sure I can make it look fabulous on Facebook, but it makes me feel bad. Sitting in the hot tub by myself, hating my pudgy body. Sitting in this cool room by myself having room service and stuffing myself full of chocolate.

Everyone says the key is to feel, to release my emotions so here's what I'm feeling right now:

I tired and I just want to go to bed now but I have to work. And that sucks.

I'm frustrated because I want to eat the housemade donuts for breakfast but of course they are full of crud I'm not supposed to eat and full of calories that will just make my thighs and ass fatter.

I feel sick from eating too much chocolate and being dehydrated.

And I'm sad that I ate too much in the first place.

I'm mad a myself that this post isn't more pithy and interesting. Instead it's just me complaining. And wasting time I should be working.

I'm mad at myself for making things too complicated. For trying to cram too much stuff into every day.

I feel like I'm slipping back into a bad place, but not the bad place that makes me insanely skinny, and that makes me depressed because I know I shouldn't be thinking like that.

But I'm trying to be positive so to end, here are some things I've enjoyed lately:

- Sunshine
- Seeing friends
- Good conversations with my parents about interesting stuff
- Getting free champagne at Domaine Carneros
- Seeing a skunk "in the wild"
- Taking some nice photos
- A funny sticker on a banana
- Being asked if I was a fitness instructor because my form was good
- Beautiful views: from my hotel room at the Claremont, from the deck at my parents' rental cottage, on the drive to Napa, from the hot tub at the hotel