Where do i put the bandaid?

after going to bed at 3:00, I've been up since 6:00 feeling icky physically and mentally. My guts are in knots, my head is foggy and my mood is the opposite of the sunny day outside. I stumbled upon the following article and now I'm wondering why I keep punishing myself, what I don't want to heal, what I'm afraid to look at/for:
When we choose that which is not best for us, there can be a deep seated part of us that does not want to heal.

In almost every case, we know what is best for us in our lives, from the relationships we create to the food we eat. Still, somewhat mysteriously, it is often difficult to make the right choices for ourselves. We find ourselves hanging out with someone who leaves us feeling drained or choosing to eat fast food over a salad. We go through phases where we stop doing yoga or taking vitamins, even though we feel so much better when we do. Often we have no idea why we continue to make the less enlightened choice, but it is important that we inquire into ourselves to find out.
When we choose that which is not best for us, the truth can be that there is a deep seated part of us that does not want to heal. We may say it’s because we don’t have the time or the energy or the resources, but the real truth is that when we don’t take care of ourselves we are falling prey to self-sabotage. Self-sabotage happens unconsciously, which is why it’s so difficult to see that we are doing it. The important thing to realize is that this very part of us that resists our healing is the part that most needs our attention and love. Even as it appears to be working against us, if we can simply bring it into the light of our consciousness, it can become our greatest ally. It carries the information we need to move to the next level in our healing process.
When we recognize that we are not making healthy choices, we might even say out loud, “I am not taking care of myself.” Sometimes this is the jolt we need to wake up to what is actually happening. Next we can sit ourselves down in meditation, with a journal, or with a trusted friend to explore the matter more thoroughly. Just shining the light of our awareness on the source of our resistance is sometimes enough to dispel its power. At other times, further effort is required. Either way, we need not fear these parts that do not want to heal. We only need to take them under our wing and bring them with us into the light.

I'm Trying

I've needed to write for a while, composed things in my head but haven't gotten them on to paper, er, digital paper, that is.

Birthday was good. I was at a weight I liked, it was sunny, time spent with my sister was good, having friends around me was nice.

Since then it's gone a little wonky. I've been having periods of crushing sadness. I feel like I'm out of control again.

I'd promised myself that my "Spa-liday" would focus on spa-like food  - salads, fruits, veggies, etc.- so I could keep losing weight. I try to order the right things, but there's also been lots of chocolate, desserts, dim sum and drinks. Not exactly spa fare. Or I eat way too much of the healthy stuff. Of course, I'm disappointed in these behaviors and I keep making promises about "tomorrow".  Then I say "Oh, just eat what you want since you're on vacation." But that makes me feel guilty too. I keep hoping that the swimming and classes I've been doing are going to offset the calories but I know they won't. I'm trying to give myself a break but it's very hard to be ok with on-the-border binge eating.

I have been seeing lots of super skinny athletic people at Masters, at those classes and in the hot tubs at the hotels and I'm jealous of them. I used to look like that. I want to look like that again. But I don't have the discipline to do it. I look at my body in the full length mirrors at the hotels and I try to tell myself that I look good, healthy if a tiny bit overweight, like a female. But deep down I don't like the way I look and I'm sad. So I eat to fill my emptiness with food, trying to overcome my sadness with things that make my taste buds happy.

I'm also super stressed about work. I hate feeling like I have to check in on work every day. I am worried about being ready for big things that might happen tomorrow and next week. I resent feeling like I'm "on call" and that I can't just check out for a week and enjoy downtime. So I eat when probably what I should do is quit. But I can't seem to make myself. I feel weak and like a loser because I don't want this big job.

Another thing that stresses me out is spending time with my parents. I love being with them but they also cause me angst because my mother is slowly declining mentally and physically and my dad's condition is in flux. I try to take it one day at a time and relish in the good moments but I future think too much and always project to "what happens when Dad dies and we have to take care of Mom". It tires me mentally, and then I just want to run away.

But being myself isn't great either. I wanted to be all bad ass and do this solo vacation but now I'm lonely, surrounded by couples and groups of friends and I wish I'd stayed in the Bay Area instead of coming to Napa. Drinking by myself seems really dumb now. I'm sure I can make it look fabulous on Facebook, but it makes me feel bad. Sitting in the hot tub by myself, hating my pudgy body. Sitting in this cool room by myself having room service and stuffing myself full of chocolate.

Everyone says the key is to feel, to release my emotions so here's what I'm feeling right now:

I tired and I just want to go to bed now but I have to work. And that sucks.

I'm frustrated because I want to eat the housemade donuts for breakfast but of course they are full of crud I'm not supposed to eat and full of calories that will just make my thighs and ass fatter.

I feel sick from eating too much chocolate and being dehydrated.

And I'm sad that I ate too much in the first place.

I'm mad a myself that this post isn't more pithy and interesting. Instead it's just me complaining. And wasting time I should be working.

I'm mad at myself for making things too complicated. For trying to cram too much stuff into every day.

I feel like I'm slipping back into a bad place, but not the bad place that makes me insanely skinny, and that makes me depressed because I know I shouldn't be thinking like that.

But I'm trying to be positive so to end, here are some things I've enjoyed lately:

- Sunshine
- Seeing friends
- Good conversations with my parents about interesting stuff
- Getting free champagne at Domaine Carneros
- Seeing a skunk "in the wild"
- Taking some nice photos
- A funny sticker on a banana
- Being asked if I was a fitness instructor because my form was good
- Beautiful views: from my hotel room at the Claremont, from the deck at my parents' rental cottage, on the drive to Napa, from the hot tub at the hotel

The Struggle

Lately it's been a struggle...
to keep my chin up
to want to work out
to get myself to work
to not feel like a failure
to not hate my body
to not hate myself
to make decisions
to power through

It was beautiful yesterday and I just felt hollow most of the day.

I desperately want to get out of my job but I also want to prove I can do it.
I don't want to eat but I also want to medicate myself with food.
I want to stay in bed all day but I know that's not the answer.

Everything feels like a struggle in my brain, going back and forth, back and forth.

Crying in a coffee shop is not how I wanted to start today but here I am, tears falling onto my freshly laundered clothes waiting to become salty rings showing my weakness and turmoil.

I'm supposed to see my therapist but someone scheduled a meeting over it.
I'm supposed to be working but I'm writing instead.
I'm supposed to be excited about my birthday on Friday, my trip CA but I don't really care about either right now.

I'm tired of feeling so conflicted, so sad, so stupid, so weak.
I'm just tired.

I feel like I can't talk to any of my friends because none of them get all the intricacies of my issues.
I don't want to burden my family with my problems, and when I do I sometimes get yelled at.

I wish I could take back the last 6 months, the last 2.5 years. I feel like I've ruined my life in so many ways. I used to be happier. What happened to me?

I pretend that I'm positive.
I pretend that I care about work.
I just pretend to be someone I'm not and I guess that is the problem.

Back to the struggle...