I was doing so well with my food after joining the Sneakers program. Managed to lose over 10 lbs and was looking pretty good. Wasn't bingeing, exercising more consistently, eating pretty healthily.
Then something happened.
I have been eating 3000-4000 calories a day, mostly at night. Stuffing myself until I feel sick. Never feeling satisfied with the food I'm eating. I can't make myself stop.
It's like I'm some horrible alcoholic. I've even put myself into a food stupor. Fallen asleep on the couch, on top of my bed and then woken up and gone back to the kitchen to eat more.
Every day I promise myself I'll be better today and then - like today - I blow it by eating a bag of chips at lunch, forbidden sweets stuff like maple-covered pecans, and then doing the classic "well I fucked it up already so..." and there I am like an alkie running to the liquor store for another bottle of hooch.
It makes me sad and angry that I can't figure out how to not abuse food. Not to abuse my body, my self, my psyche, my soul. I'm angry at myself, punishing myself.
I read an article that said I need to figure out the cause of the anger so I can address it. Here's where it's stemming from, I think:
- Still angry about my food sensitivities
- Angry I have to be here instead of at home
- Angry that my dad died, especially that he died before my mom did
- Angry that my mom is like a shell of her former self; memory problems, walks like a really old lady, eats like an old person... sounds mean I know but I hate seeing it
- Angry that my sister isn't fully functioning so she can help more
- Angry that I can't stop using food to cope
- Angry that I can't be more compassionate with my mom
- Angry that I'm not better at juggling everything
- Angry that my friends and family can't help me right now.
There's no reason for me to keep eating, logically it flies in the face of everything I'm trying to accomplish. But the chemicals feel good in my body, the taste is lovely on my tongue, and the satisfaction I get from feel stuffed is better than the "ehn" feeling I'm having most of the time.
I miss my old self. Not preoccupied with food, fit and happier with life.
When did I become such a horrible addict? :p
