Super Angry

After a kinda crappy night of sleep, I had a pretty decent morning and then everything went to shit. Super angry all day. Yelling at my mom, banging the steering wheel, losing my cool even after reminding myself to be compassionate.

I was really hungry and totally angry ate way too much salad, plowed through chocolate and really really want to eat the carrot cake lurking in the fridge.

I can't decide whether to stay at home, go sit in the hot tub and go to bed early - ignoring all the "to dos" I have on my list - or go to the movies with my sister - still ignoring my to dos - or lie on the couch and watch TV then go do the things I need to do.

I hate days like this where I don't get to work out, don't get to shower, and feel grumpy all day.

I need to take drugs or I'm going to start eating the house. Wait, I'm already eating the house. I looked at myself in the mirror today and I'm so fat and blobby and full of cellulite. I am so gross. But I just want to keep eating. I don't care enough to stop.

Good days, bad nights

The last two days have been a mixture of fun and kinda bad bingeing. Sis and I didn't eat well the last two days while we were on our island tour, and nights are stressful with my mom so that leads to too much ice cream and/or grazing.

I realized tonight as I was chowing down on my second helping of ice cream (with PB, very satisfying) that my dad's ashes were "watching me". It made me feel bad. I never wanted him to see how I used food and there I was just eating away. I realize he's not really seeing me but my conscious got the better of me.

Things are VERY stressful here with everything going on so the nighttime eating has been pretty yucky late. I hope to get things under control soon.